HelmetHead Journal

2006-01-24T17:03:00.000-05:00

WE'VE MOVED!

Hey all y'all--if anyone is still logging in here, I have a new space for my blog:

MySpace: A Place for Friends.

Anyhoo, the new blog is at:

http://blog.myspace.com/hhjournal

See ya there, suckas!

Regards,

Helmet Head

2004-12-29T21:55:00.000-05:00

LET THE PUTTING BABY IN A CORNER COMMENCE!

R.I.P., Jerry Orbach.

Regards,

Helmet Head

2004-12-27T17:03:00.000-05:00

THE MORE WE THOUGHT ABOUT IT...

OK...I just picked up the year-end double issue of Entertainment Weekly, which is when the writers and editors name their best of whatever for 2004, featuring their Entertainer of the Year Jon Stewart.

What cracks me up about these year-end list issues, is that (and I've seen this happen several different times over the past few years) when these issues come out, some talk show will have one of the magazine's editors on to talk about the issue, and they'll inevitably get around to talking about who they named the Whatever of the Year, and the editor will always try to make it sound like it was a real daring, controversial choice. They'll say something like:

"Well, it may not be the first name that would come to mind, but the more we thought about it, the more sense it made."

And then they'll go on to list all of the TOTALLY OBVIOUS reasons why this person should be Whatever of the Year. An editor from EW did this recently. He was on the Today show, and was going out of his way to prove that Jon Stewart was the Entertainer of the Year.

Anyway, it was totally lame. Jon Stewart's a GREAT choice. He hosts one of the funniest TV shows on the planet, and put out a best-selling, equally hilarious book. There's really nothing controversial about it.

I'd love for, just once, some magazine editor to go on a talk show to talk about their year-end issue, and say to the interviewer:

"Well, Dustin Diamond may not be the first name that would come to mind for Entertainer of the Year, but the more we thought about it, the less sense it made. Seriously, it was a bad choice. But then, we were like: 'Aah, screw it. We have a deadline to make.'"

Oh well...maybe next year.

Regards,

Helmet Head

2004-12-27T01:14:00.000-05:00

HAPPY BOXING DAY, FROM CHACHI

Check this out.

Awesome.

Regards,

Helmet Head

2004-12-24T10:27:00.000-05:00

A VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS (or Life Day) IN 5 EASY STEPS:

1) Check out Tom Tomorrow's weblog, featuring an awesome vintage Christmas ad.

2) Then, while at Tom Tomorrow's weblog, scroll down to right below the Christmas ad, to the post titled An Early Holiday Gift.

3) Click on the link in that post. This will get you to this web site.

4) Scroll down and click on the link at the end of the post at this site (click on the picture of Chewbacca and his family wearing red robes and floating in space--yes, I did just write "the picture of Chewbacca and his family wearing red robes and floating in space").

5) Enjoy!

...and may the force be with you, and your children!

Regards,

Helmet Head

2004-12-01T19:17:00.000-05:00

Time to Give (belated) Thanks

The recent holidays offered me some time to reflect, and I realized I have a lot to be thankful for. I'll now, in the interest of brevity, name the top three things for which I am thankful...

My wife found a spider floating in my cup of coffee last week(I'll spare you the details)--luckily, before I had consumed any of the coffee. So I'm thankful that I have an observant wife, and that I didn't drink a spider.

However, what I am most thankful for is Google Image Search.

Why? I'll give you three reasons:

This.

This...

...and this.

Regards,

Helmet Head

2004-11-20T10:42:00.000-05:00

THEY COME IN THREES...

Celebrity s, that is. This past week and a half must've been a field day for conspiracy theorists, what with the s of Yasir Arafat and O.D.B. There will probably be people out there who will insist for the next fifty years that these two are still alive and well and relaxing somewhere on the island nation of Fiji.

People like me, for example.

But that's not what's important. What's important is putting bets on who's going to complete the latest celebrity triumvirate.

If you ask me, the smart money is on Jonathan Taylor Thomas.

Anyhow, I haven't mentioned this lately, so I'll do it now (if you can click away from that photo of Jonathan Taylor Thomas long enough to read this, that is).

You really should go visit Tundra Boy and Skinny D, because they always have something interesting to say, and especially since Skinny just recently joined the Old Club. I feel for ya, man. I joined the club myself back in August. Oh well...at least we're that much closer to getting our AARP cards...

Regards,

Helmet Head

2004-11-17T19:23:00.000-05:00

NEWSFLASH!

I just now saw, via Yahoo, that Jude Law was named "Sexiest Man Alive" by People magazine.

Oh well...maybe next year will be Dick Van Patten's year.

sigh...

Regards,

Helmet Head

2004-11-10T18:48:00.000-05:00

HELMET HEAD'S ELECTION NIGHT DIARY, part II: Attack of the "Moral Values"

10:20--I come back from getting coffee, and on ABC, Jennings asks guest John McCain: "Do you ever feel used by the President?" Ouch.

Meanwhile, Jake Tapper is really bored.

10:30--Back to CBS. In the Illinois Senate race, Barack Obama has 74% of the vote to Alan Keyes' 23%. Keyes notes that he himself has not yet voted, which will swing things his way.

10:45--On ABC, Richard Clarke and Richard Perle are debating the war on . YES! It's time for an ideological SMACK-DOWN!

...but actually, it ends up being really boring.

10:55--Local (South Carolina) affiliates cut away from national coverage to broadcast the acceptance speech of Jim DeMint, Republican Senate candidate. He is very arrogant, and actually refers to his campaign with the words "mission accomplished" no less than three times. I think, in the post-Bush-in-a-flight-suit-on-an-aircraft-carrier world, Republicans should be banned from using the words "mission" and "accomplished" in the same sentence.

The networks then cut to Democrat Inez Tenenbaum's concession speech, where there is a visibly drunk woman standing right over Tenenbaum's left shoulder. Later, when the station cuts back to this scene, some big guy in a suit is standing in that place, obviously to block the drunk woman from the camera. Awesome.

11:10--On CBS, they announce that all of the polls are closed except in Alaska. Kerry, in a moment of exhaustion, announces that he'll carry Alaska and thus, the country.

The networks go back to local coverage, which is mostly boring county council seat races. I switch to Fox and watch a Seinfeld re-run (the one with the obsessed mechanic (Brad Garrett, in his pre-Everybody Loves Raymond days) who steals Jerry's car with JFK's golf clubs in it that Elaine bought at auction for J. Peterman, and Kramer and Newman trail him in the mail truck which they're illegally using to ship cans and bottles for recycling. Kramer has the best line: "We're on him like stink on a monkey!").

Coincidentally, Kerry says the exact same thing about Bush when exit polls early in the day show him in the lead.

11:35--Back to ABC. Tavis Smiley has a good line about the preponderance of ballot initiatives in CA, saying that the California legislators are passing their jobs (legislating) off onto the voters.

Shortly thereafter, Bush is the projected winner in FL, both on ABC and CBS. CRAP!

Meanwhile, back in Illinois, Barack Obama has 72% of the vote to Alan Keyes' 25%. Keyes says he will not concede until all of the votes are counted in the panhandle region of the state, which falls in a different time zone. When told no such region exists, Keyes says "Okey-dokey," and promptly concedes.

12:20--It is now the consensus that Kerry must win Ohio or he's doomed.

On CBS, Dan Rather finally unleashes a crazy line. While talking to Joe Lockhart, former Clinton press secretary and current Kerry campaign advisor, Rather says, "I'm sure you'd rather walk through a furnace in a gasoline suit than concede Ohio." Lockhart looks exhausted, and seems simultaneously amused and puzzled by the prospect of wearing a gasoline suit.

Shortly after this, John Edwards makes an appearance onstage in Boston, where he thanks the crowd and tells them, "We're not giving up until every vote is counted!"

Oh, holy freakin' crap--isn't that what both sides were saying at this time four years ago?

Alas, it was not to be. By the following afternoon, Kerry had officially conceded. The following is the full transcript of his concession speech:

"My fellow Americans: I totally didn't realize that most of you d gays and abortion so much. My bad."

Regards,

Helmet Head

2004-11-06T11:30:00.000-05:00

Happy Saturday After Election Day!

Hey all. Well, it's time to dust off the ol' blog again and check in (note to self: add "dust off the ol' blog" to list of phrases that sound dirty but aren't).

Well, a lot's been happening since I last wrote, but I'll not bore you with the details. As mentioned in a previous post, the missus and I moved a few months back. That's all well and good, so nothing new to report there.

Instead, I'll bore you about a completely different subject: this past week's election.

First, some background: since our move, we've been trying to live simply (i.e., eliminate extra costs/bills). One of the ways we've done this is by not having a TV, or, more specifically, having a TV but not having cable or satellite TV, eliminating having to pay for those services. (We do have one of those newfangled "VCRs" hooked up to the TV; someday, we'll spring for a DVD player and make the leap forward to 1997). Anyhow, since we've been here, I've been relying on the local NPR News radio station to keep me up-to-date with the world.

Unfortunately, the other week, this station's signal inexplicably cut out, cutting me off from the world's "breaking news" (for example, I didn't know that the Boston Red Sox had won the World Series until several days after it happened).

Living this way was making me irritable, so I broke down this week and bought an antenna for the TV so I could at least get some network stations. This is how much of a nerd I am: most people would buy a TV antenna in order to get reception for the Super Bowl or some such event; I got an antenna to watch election returns.

ANYhoo, I watched said election returns, so here, for no reason at all, are the notes I kept while watching:

HELMET HEAD'S ELECTION NIGHT DIARY: NOV. 2ND, 2004

9 pm--The TV antenna picks up ABC, CBS, UPN, and Fox. Fox and UPN don't have continuous coverage of the election (actually, UPN doesn't have any coverage at all, opting instead for re-runs of Fear Factor. This leads me to conclude that, no matter who wins the election, one thing will remain unchanged: Fear Factor is an incredibly stupid TV show).

CBS reports that Bush is ahead, 162 electoral votes to 112 for Kerry. I'm keeping a close eye on CBS so that I don't miss any crazy quotes from Dan Rather. None so far. However, CBS does have awesome Republican and Democrat icons featuring a red, white, and blue CG elephant and donkey running in place inside a white circle.

CBS also has Lesley Stahl keeping track of various Senate races around the country. She is paying close attention to one of the bigger upsets of the night. I refer, of course, to what will become the shocking defeat of Alan Keyes at the hands of Barack Obama for the Senate seat in Illinois. It is widely agreed that every possible election outcome game-planned by the Republicans assumed that there would be a Keyes-dominated Senate. Much hand-wringing ensues.

P.S.--Lesley Stahl has crazy hair.

9:10--I switch over to ABC, helmed by Peter Jennings, who is being quite snarky. For example, in discussing the Senate race in South Dakota, Jennings mentions that Tom Daschle's campaign has been stressing his influence as Minority Leader. Jennings tells the American public that Daschle has been touting the (actual quote from Jennings here) "'benefits,' by which he means, 'pork,'" of his standing in the Senate. Funny.

Jennings is joined by George Stephanopoulos, who looks like Alex P. Keaton and sits there offering nuggets of wisdom such as "Peter, I think the winner of this election will be the candidate who gets 270 electoral votes." Thanks, George!

I switch back to CBS. Dan Rather calls the state of Kentucky for Bush. Kerry's people briefly consider conceding, devastated by the loss of the Billy Ray Cyrus vote.

In Arizona, John McCain is easily beating his challenger, a man named Stuart Starkey (the love child of Stuart Smalley and Ringo Starr)?

9:40--Back to ABC. Jennings reports that Bush's people are releasing some video taken of the President earlier in the day. What is it? A speech? Jennings can't shut up about how unusual and unprecedented this is.

While waiting for the mysterious video to surface, Jennings makes small talk with ABC's "cool kids' table:" Cokie Roberts, George F. Will, and Fareed Zakaria. I've long been fascinated with George F. Will. I think it all started in 1987, the year he was named People magazine's "Sexiest Man Alive." Will mentions that the Bush camp is not only hoping to win, but also hoping to get more than 50% of the popular vote (which they infamously didn't do four years ago). This, says Will, would add an "enhanced infusion of legitimacy" to a second Bush term. This phrase was obviously some sort of ual reference masking as punditry. George F. Will, you dog!

9:50--The mysterious video of Bush appears. It is Bush sitting in the White House, surrounded by family and smirking while watching election returns. There is no sound on the video, which makes it so pointless and stupid that they might as well have shown a video of a monkey dancing to Fatboy Slim records. Besides, people may have thought it was Bush anyway (and if you think that's mean, you obviously have never visited bushorchimp.com).

10:00--ABC calls Utah for Bush. Kerry is now doomed.

Tavis Smiley makes an appearance and talks about how the Democrats take the African American vote for granted. True, but understandable considering that a grand total of three African Americans voted for Bush in 2000.

10:15--Back to CBS. Correspondent John Roberts is at the "CBS Election Center," which sounds about as real of a place as "Shining Time Station." He is manning a supercomputer I decided to dub the "Useless Data-Tron 2000." A sampling of its insights:

"As you can see from this map, 75% of voters in Cleveland, Ohio who disapproved of Ashlee Simpson lip-synching on Saturday Night Live also disapprove of John Edwards as Kerry's running mate. This can mean only one thing: The candidate who gets 270 electoral votes will win the election."

Meanwhile Bob Schieffer, analyst for CBS, is obviously trying to keep up with George F. Will. In explaining why Kerry lost the state of Missouri to Bush, he repeatedly describes Kerry's decision to back off campaigning in that state several weeks ago as "pulling out early." Naughty!

OK peeps, at this point there's still more (as you know), but I'll not bore you with it right now. Stay tuned for another post here soon (or not) in part two of my election night diary, entitled We Thought It Was Going to be Another 2000 Election but It Wasn't, Even Though It Was Pretty Close.

(Note to self: re-think title of part two of the diary).

Regards,

Helmet Head

2004-07-27T20:11:00.000-04:00

Hey! Shove It!

I must give "props," as the kids are saying these days, to Teresa Heinz Kerry for her now infamous quote. Not because she said it so much (more on that later), but because of to whom she said it. Colin McNickle, the editorial page editor for the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review, was apparently the recipient of Ms. Heinz Kerry's wrath, and no one deserves it more. McNickle is a right-wing flunky, not to mention a lousy writer, and additionally is, as George W. Bush would say, a "major-league a#!hole."

However, in "Shove It-Gate" (as I'm going to call it, since my brain is fried and I can't think of anything less hacky than that at the moment--more on that in a bit), McNickle comes out the winner. Whenever you get someone to lose their temper to the point that they say something stupid, you win. Just ask Dick "Go f%*k yourself" Cheney.

But what makes Teresa Heinz Kerry even more of a loser is that she lost her temper, but then went and held herself back from cursing, lest she be known as the female Dick "Go f%*k yourself" Cheney. When you get really angry and then try really hard not to curse, that's friggin' funny. Think of all the great phrases that have come about as a result of this phenomenon:

"Dag-gummit!"

"Consarn it!"

"Son of a bee sting!"

"Mother trucker!"

I could go on, but I won't 'cause it's boring.

OK, so, the reason my brain is fried is that Mrs. HelmetHead and I just today packed up all of our worldly posessions into a truck in order to move several states away.

So, at this point you're probably saying, "Big deal--people move all the time. Get over yourself." And, to some extent, you're right. However, as anyone who has ever moved knows, moving does take a toll, both physically and mentally. Especially considering the customer service hell we went through yesterday, which I'll briefly explain in a little segment I'm titling:

NEVER, NEVER, NEVER RENT A TRUCK FROM BUDGET RENTALS

So we go to pick up our rental truck yesterday (from Budget rental), and I notice on the way home that the front passenger side vent window (that triangular shaped window in front of the main side window) is gone, patched over with a piece of cardboard. But wait, it gets better!

We get the truck home, open up the back to start loading, and the entire trailer floor is soaking wet (it was raining). Now, I'm not talking a few drops here and there...the entire floor was wet. Upon inspecting the trailer in greater detail, we find cracks all over it, and...get ready for this...A HOLE IN THE ROOF OF THE TRAILER BIG ENOUGH THAT YOU COULD STICK YOUR HEAD THROUGH IT. The hole was previously unbeknownst to us because it was concealed by the trailer door, which covered the hole when opened.

So, to make a very long story very short, we spent the next seven hours on the phone with Budget Rentals' customer service as well as the dealership where we picked up the truck, and not a single person we spoke with had even a remote interest in fixing our problem. One particularly rude person hung up on us, and we received more than a little attitude from everyone else with whom we spoke. Now, Mrs. HelmetHead and I are not ones to complain about every little problem, nor are we ones to call customer service lines and indiscriminately shout curse words at whoever answers the phone. We quite simply wanted a new truck or our money back, considering the truck we had been given HAD A FRISBEE-SIZED HOLE IN ITS ROOF, and we asked for it forcefully but nicely, and were treated to the worst customer service experience of our lives.

There is a happy ending--after hours of hassling and arguing, we finally spoke to a supervisor's supervisor's supervisor, who instructed the dealership to allow us to return the truck and not be charged anything for it. As for getting a new truck...well, suffice it to say we got one from another company.

So I'm putting out the word:

BUDGET RENTAL TRUCKS RENT TRUCKS TO THEIR CUSTOMERS THAT HAVE NO BUSINESS BEING ON THE ROAD, AND YOU'LL GO THROUGH HELL IF YOU WANT YOUR MONEY BACK FOR THEM. DON'T EVER, EVER RENT FROM THEM. TELL EVERYONE YOU KNOW NOT TO RENT FROM THEM.

If I can cause them to lose even a little business over this, then this whole sporadic, usually pointless blogging thing has been worthwhile.

So peeps, our moving plans have been delayed a day, but starting first thing tomorrow, we'll be on the road. Don't expect another post for a long time (not that they've been at all regular at any other time), but I'll check in again when I get the chance.

And if you don't like that, you can shove it!

Regards,

Helmet Head

2004-06-11T01:39:00.000-04:00

Late Night Random Mish-Mash of Thoughts...

1) In case you hadn't heard, former President Ronald Reagan died recently. It's true! Remember, you heard it here first...or 1,376,402nd...

Anyhoo, the orgy of tributes was totally predictable, which unfortunately has not rendered said tributes any less over-the-top or embarrassing. I could go on about how Reagan was not the savior of the universe that the Newt Gingriches of the world make him out to be, but others have already done so, most notably Ted Rall, who has posted some hilarious yet scary hate mail on his blog which he received in response to his own "Reagan Memories."

I'm also not going to go on about how, because I grew up in the 80s, he looms big in my memory, for better or for worse, because Skinny D has already written about that most effectively, and also because, well, no duh. I guess all I want to say (and by that I mean write) is that Reagan's death hasn't really affected me at all. First of all, he had already been gone for ten years, so this wasn't (or shouldn't've been) a shocker to anyone. Second of all, he was the President for much of my youth, and that's about all I really knew about him--he was that guy who was President, and he had some catchy one-liners for which he was known. I was six when he was first elected, fourteen when he left office--not exactly a period in one's life when their political views are well-honed. What I've learned about him has been in hindsight, and my view of him is largely negative. I mean, George W. Bush basically has spent his first (and let's hope only) term in office idolizing and emulating the guy...nuff said. But who cares? What's done is done, and we can rehash the past in either a marathon of genuflection (as Reagan's acolytes are doing) or trash talk (as Reagan's detractors are doing), but what does that accomplish?

So anyways, I don't feel very affected by his death, but I do have some thoughts related to it:

2) Reagan's death, to me, was not nearly as sad as the passing of Ray Charles. I consider myself lucky to be able to say that I saw Ray Charles in concert a few years ago (thanks, IUP Cultural Series!), and, while admittedly not at the peak of his career at the time, he was still awesome. One of my all-time favorite concert memories was at that show when his band broke into "Busted" about halfway through their set. It's a great song, and I totally didn't expect him to play it. It still makes me smile to think of it.

People throw the word "genius" around too often these days (I'm sure there are those among us who think William Hung, for chrissakes, is a "genius"), but Charles was one of the few people who earned the title. He basically created what we know as soul music--the mix of gospel tunes with R & B lyrics. How many musicians can say they've created a new style of music? (No, Eamon, "ho-wop" doesn't count. Nice try, thanks for playing).

Anyhow, if you don't own at least one Ray Charles album, there's something seriously wrong with you. If you're only going to get one, I'd highly recommend Rhino's Ray Charles Anthology, a very inclusive greatest hits collection, which includes his awesome rendition of "America the Beautiful." His recording of that song inspires me more and makes me more proud to be an American than any of Reagan's insipid, pre-packaged "rah-rah America" speeches ever did. R.I.P., Genius.

3) When I think of Reagan, I always inevitably think of one of my favorite SNL sketches from the Reagan era.

In it, the late, great Phil Hartman played Reagan, and the concept of the sketch was that Reagan was actually an evil genius--he was solely responsible for every shady thing that transpired during his administration, going so far as to micro-manage every last detail and blowing off his advisors with lines like, "Never mind, I'll do it myself!"

The best part of the skit was when the President's evil work session was interrupted for a photo op with "the little girl who sold the most Girl Scout cookies," and Hartman's Reagan responds to the interruption by remarking, "This is the part of the job I hate!" before meeting the girl and putting on his "doddering granddad" act for the public.

The sketch was totally over-the-top, but one of the reasons it was so hilarious was that it did contain a small grain of truth--the sneaking suspicion that Reagan's "Well, I don't know" act was just that--an act.

Something tells me that there will never be a similar sketch written about Dubya.

Just sayin'.

4) And now, for some not-Reagan-related thoughts:

I owe an apology to Pittsburgh. One time back when, I posted a little rant goofing on the Steel City for its lackluster entertainment offerings. And while I'm not going to take back that goofing (because, admit it, Yakov Smirnoff is funny...but in all the wrong ways), I will say that Pittsburgh has redeemed itself to a great degree by bringing Wilco to town for a free concert last week, which I attended and hereby deem "awesome."

My favorite non-musical part of the concert was when someone started a beach ball going, and it flew up in the air only to land between the heads of two art school type guys (Wilco attracts an "arty" crowd) who totally didn't see it coming. The ball then ricocheted between their heads, pinball like fashion, a few times before falling to the ground. The guys tried to play cool and act like it didn't happen, but one general rule of thumb in life is that you can't look cool after getting hit in the head with a beach ball--just accept that you looked foolish for that moment and move on.

5) Speaking of concerts:

The other week, I was at Borders. Now, one thing you have to realize about me is that one of my favorite things to do, an activity that is very near and dear to my heart, is to go to a Borders/Barnes & Noble/some other type of book store-cafe place, get a cup of coffee, grab a few interesting magazines off the shelves, and sit and read for a while. So the other week I was looking forward to indulging in this completely non-productive pastime of mine, and went to a Borders shop near home. It was a Friday night, which means they had live music. No big deal--heck, sometimes the performers there are actually good (or so bad they're good--my all-time favorite so-bad-it's-good coffee shop performance was by this horrendous singer-songwriter I saw at another Borders shop a few years back. He sang terrible songs and accompanied himself on a cheesy Casio keyboard, but what really set him apart from the pack was his decision to do a crappy cover of matchbox twenty's crappy song "Push"--twice, which was at least two times too many).

But I digress...this Borders shop was pretty small, and the performer that night was crammed into the back corner of the cafe, along with his band (drummer and bass player--the singer played guitar). Anyway, this guy was pretty mellow--he was playing very Dave Matthews Band-y type stuff, but he, his band or whoever set up the equipment had the sound totally cranked up.

Well, this music was so friggin' loud you just could not go anywhere in the whole store to escape it...the sound followed you into every corner of the store as if the amps were strapped to your ears. It was unbelievable. The cafe/bookstore staff couldn't hear the customers talking to them, the customers couldn't hear them. You couldn't hear the person sitting right next to you--you literally couldn't hear yourself think. I walked out of there with the worst headache--and it didn't help that the guy performing sucked.

Here's my request: People--musicians, roadies, bookstore staff, whoever sets up the equipment--adjust the volume to fit both the type of music being played and the space in which it's played. This is just common sense. Now don't get me wrong--I'm not against loud music. If I'm, for example, going to see the Hives in concert, I want it so loud that I'll be deaf by the end if I don't wear ear plugs. I'm also not against cranking the sound in a large venue. I'm usually in the nosebleed seats when I go to arena shows, and I deserve to hear everything just as much as those in the pit, so I want it cranked at a large venue.

What irritates me is when people crank mellow music in tiny spaces. I don't want to go deaf listening to some horrible Coldplay wannabe band, and, if going deaf is a possibility, I want to be able to get away from it without leaving the building. Just because you think you rock doesn't mean you have the right to turn it to 11. Think about the rest of us--the ones trying to concentrate on the latest moronic Jessica Simpson quote in the "Loose Talk" section of Us Weekly.

Well, I guess that's all...

Oh wait! OK, celebrity deaths come in threes. We've had Reagan and Ray Charles...who will be number three?

My money, for absolutely no reason at all, is on Bruce Vilanch.

Regards,

Helmet Head

2004-05-19T08:34:00.000-04:00

Sleep Management

Today's euphemism is sleep management:

"The detainees were purposefully and carefully put under stress, to include sleep deprivation, in order to facilitate interrogation; they were not tortured," it said. The version received on Monday used the phrase "sleep management" instead.

-From an article alleging abuse of journalists in Iraq by U.S. soldiers. Read the whole thing (if you can stomach it) here. You may need to scroll down to the title Now They're Torturing Journalists.

To learn more about today's euphemism, contact Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, who will, I'm sure, do a "superb job" explaining it to you.

Regards,

Helmet Head

2004-05-04T13:04:00.000-04:00

Holy Crap

One of my favorite things about the newspaper I read (Pittsburgh Post-Gazette) is that, for whatever reason, they publish an exhaustive list of celebrity birthdays in their front-page section every day.

For example, I found out that Jenna Von Oy turned 27 the other day. Click the link if you're not sure who the heck that is.

In a related story, Mayim Bialik's birthday was recently listed in the Palookaville Penny Saver.

Regards,

Helmet Head

2004-04-30T14:52:00.000-04:00

Who Will Be the Next Ricky Martin? (And Isn't One Already One Too Many?)

Check this out for your full recommended daily allowance of Vitamin Scary-But-Hilarious.

Regards,

Helmet Head

2004-04-15T17:56:00.000-04:00

Gigli has Made Me Retarded

Good gravy! I just recently looked at the last post, and I made two inexcusable errors (which I've since fixed).

The sad thing is, I had proofread the post before originally posting it.

There's only one possible explanation for this: Gigli has made me retarded.

Regards,

Helmet Head

P.S.--Tundra Boy has some more cogent things to say about the FCC, Clear Channel, et. al., at his corner of the electronic universe, as well as commentary on the underachieving Phillies and the breakup of John and Rebecca Romijn-Stamos, an event destined to be enshrined in the Schadenfreude Hall of Fame.

P.P.S.--Tundra Boy, I forgive you for calling me a dumbass. I can't help that I got sucked in by Gigli, I just love irony!

Fun fact: Gigli is also enshrined in the Schadenfreude Hall of Fame. Past enshrinees include David Caruso's Movie Career, Andrew "Dice" Clay's Phase When He Tried to Drop the "Dice" From His Name, Erik Estrada Post-CHiPs, and Don Johnson's Game Attempt at Becoming a Rock Star. The Stamos Separation/Divorce is set to be inducted at a gala ceremony, where its Hall of Fame plaque will be presented to it by past inductee Vince Neil Got Fat.

2004-04-07T09:07:00.000-04:00

I Watched Gigli, and it was Really Bad

Hello all. If you're wondering about the title, well, it serves two purposes. One, it's a reference to the comic strip Jim's Journal, one of my all-time favorites. If you're familiar with the strip, you'll recognize its matter-of-fact tone which I shamelessly ripped off. Anyhow, I just recently re-read my Jim's Journal treasury and was reminded how awesome it was. So that's that. The other reason for the title is that: I watched Gigli, and it was really bad.

A word of explanation: a little over a month ago, I secured a part-time position in the exciting world of retail video/DVD rentals. I like the job a lot, and probably what I like best is that employees get free rentals. Hooray! I thought to myself--now, I can watch all those movies I've always wanted to see!

Well, it didn't take long for me to abuse that little perk. A few weeks after I started working there, Mrs. Helmet Head (that's right, she deserves part of the blame for this, too) and I were looking for titles to rent, and we stumbled across Gigli. Immediately we became drunk with the idea that we could rent this movie for free (and therefore, not feel bad about wasting money to see a horrendous film), and we talked ourselves into doing it: "It's probably so bad, it's hilarious!" "Let's watch it!" "Yay! We'll never regret doing this!"

Long story short: Gigli is not so bad it's funny (as I had hoped). It's just bad.

Really, really, REALLY painfully bad.

It's so bad that even cameos from Christopher Walken and Al Pacino couldn't save it.

Gigli is so bad that Mrs. Helmet Head and I actually had quite a lengthy discussion the day after we watched it about how the movie possibly could've been salvaged. Would it have worked with different actors? A slightly retooled script?

After a long talk, we finally reached the conclusion that the only situation in which Gigli would've been successful would have been if the movie were released in the alternate universe of Sucktonia, where everything is opposite, and things that suck are great.

Then it occurred to me that I was thinking more about Gigli than I was about movies I'd seen that I actually liked. A lot more.

And why was I so concerned with ways to save what was obviously an unsaveable train wreck of a movie, anyway? What was happening to me?

Damn you, Gigli! What've you done to me?!? DAMN YOU TO HELL!

Regards,

Helmet Head

2004-03-11T15:15:00.000-05:00

Even Stevens

So, anyway, I was really bummed out yesterday, because I'm sitting there reading the paper and I notice in the TV column there's a little blurb titled "Now Who's Boss?"

So I read the article and find out it's describing this new reality show on TLC where CEOs of big companies work at the menial, entry-level positions in their companies in order to learn important life lessons or something. This is all well and good, I guess, but I couldn't contain my disappointment upon realizing that "Now Who's Boss?" was simply yet another reality show and not, as I had imagined, the title of a new Who's The Boss? reunion movie.

Darn you and your misleading titles, Pittsburgh Post-Gazette TV Editor Rob Owen!

Anyway, the trauma from this episode was alleviated when I remembered this image, courtesy of cartoonist extraordinaire Tom Tomorrow, which is one of the funniest things I've seen recently and which I've been meaning to link to forever. Enjoy!

So, you know, even stevens.

Regards,

Helmet Head

2004-03-06T21:10:00.000-05:00

Holy Freakin' Crap!

I'm so glad I live near Pittsburgh--it's where the C-level celebrities come out to SHINE!

First, Dennis DeYoung was here last night (follow the link if you don't know who that is)! Now, David Copperfield is here tonight and tomorrow!

International rap sensations Fannypack were just here last week! And a few weeks before that, King of Branson, MO Yakov Smirnoff was here!

If this keeps up, the shift+1 keys on my computer are going to wear off! Those are the keys you push to make an exclamation point!

!!!!!!!!!!!

Regards!

Helmet Head!

2004-03-06T20:59:00.000-05:00

Good Stuff (and I'm not talking about that lame album by the B-52's)

If you like your truth straight up with a whoop-ass chaser, then check out Tundra Boy's post about the idiocy of the FCC and Clear Channel.

For those who don't know already, Tundra Boy knows of what he speaks; he's a talented DJ, even being named "DJ of the Month" one time back when. He is also a big fan of Carman (see previous post) and John Denver.

By the way, that last sentence is a lie. I write this because I am a wuss who Tundra Boy could easily break in half for making such libelous claims.

Regards,

Helmet Head

2004-03-06T20:51:00.000-05:00

Top Surprises in Mel Gibson's The Passion of the Christ

-Gratuitous product placement: Before hanging himself, Judas buys the rope to do the deed at a Home Depot.

-Pontius Pilate played by a manic, confetti-tossing Rip Taylor

-The scene where one of the Pharisees says, "As a Jew, the crucifixion of Christ makes me giddy with glee!," which is probably not Scriptural.

-One of the Roman centurions beating Christ makes him say "Thank you sir, may I have another?" after each blow is delivered, also probably not Scriptural.

-Editing mistake: As the camera pans across a crowd in one scene, you can see clearly that one of the extras is wearing a Carman t-shirt.

-The Darkness's "I Believe in a Thing Called Love" plays over the closing credits, which doesn't really fit the tone of the movie.

-The hilarious "outtake reel" that follows the closing credits. In the best scene, Jim Caviezel (Jesus) enters the picture in full body makeup (lash marks from head to toe) and quips, "Honey--the weedwhacker's on the blink again!"

2004-03-01T09:57:00.000-05:00

UPDATE!

Oh man, I almost forgot! After watching most of the Academy Awards last night, I have nothing to say about the show, there being no surprises or anything.

However, after (unfortunately) watching the pre-ceremony "arrival" show, I'd like to announce that Access Hollywood's Billy Bush is in the running to be my new Favorite Idiot.

He gained my attention by being basically an over-all twit during the whole pre-show, but really broke from the pack when he started his "interview" with Naomi Watts by asking "Watts up?"

Jessica Simpson, we may have found your male counterpart...

Regards,

Helmet Head

2004-03-01T09:20:00.000-05:00

Happy March

Hey all. Well, this post was originally going to be a "Happy Leap Day Extravaganza" or something like that, but computer problems made that un-doable. Anyhow, it doesn't matter, since nothing I would've posted yesterday was specifically about Leap Day, so I'm just going to post it today.

Also, the fact that I have, like, three regular readers at best makes posting expediently unnecessary.

Anyhow, lllllllet's get ready to rumble!...

First, I want to share with you an actual quote from Dennis Kucinich, which I read in a recent Pittsburgh Post-Gazette column by Dennis Roddy. You can read the whole article here, although I don't recommend it (the rest of the article isn't nearly as good or interesting as this one part--the link is mainly to verify that I didn't make this up):

"The interchangeability of matter and spirit means the starlit magic of the outermost life of our universe becomes the soul-light magic of the innermost life of ourself."

-Dennis Kucinich, speaking before a Croatian peace institute in 2002

Had I posted this quote by itself, I probably would've titled it "Why I Love Dennis Kucinich."

Next up...

I just wanted to offer my take on something that's been in the news lately. I have seen Mel Gibson's The Passion of the Christ, and I did not feel that it was either Anti-Semitic or too violent (the two major criticisms that have been leveled at the film).

Having said that, though, I did not like it. I thought it was kind of cheesy and had very poor special effects; it just seemed very "low budget." I also didn't like the fact that the actor who played Jesus had a British accent! And I don't see how having people watch this movie will convert them to Christianity, as so many think it will; I wish churches would stop spending money on it.

...OK, hold it a sec...

...I've just been informed that, apparently, I have The Passion of the Christ confused with the Jesus video. My bad.

Regards,

Helmet Head

2004-02-23T17:15:00.000-05:00

Verboten

Hey peeps.

So, anyway, two posts ago (if you include this one) I shared my thoughts on the Democratic Party's Presidential nominees, and in said post, I mentioned that Dennis Kucinich looks kinda like Bob Denver (TV's "Gilligan").

Anyhow, included for your viewing pleasure in the paragraph about Kucinich was a link to a photo of Mr. Denver. However, today I clicked on the link and was directed not to the photo of Bob Denver but instead to an error message telling me I was forbidden to access the picture!

Forbidden!

Now, I don't know what's going on...maybe that image is copyrighted or something. Or maybe my computer is just screwy. Or, maybe that particular photo was a victim of the fallout from the Janet Jackson boob incident and was deemed too racy for some viewers (although I have and will always maintain that the photo of Mr. Denver in question was tastefully done and possessed a high level of artistic value). But whatever the problem is, I don't possess either the knowledge or the motivation to fix what's wrong.

All I do know is this: Do we really want to live in a world where we are forbidden to view pictures of Gilligan?

What will we tell our children?

Regards,

Helmet Head

2004-02-11T10:20:00.000-05:00

Fun With Google Image Search

Check this out.

Also, this, this, and this.

Enjoy!

Regards,

Helmet Head

2004-02-07T04:00:00.000-05:00

Not That Anyone Asked Me, But...

Here's what I've been thinking about the Democratic Presidential nominees...

Kerry:
Well, he's been winning everywhere and now has that "momentum" that the pundits love to blather on about. If he's the nominee, I wouldn't have much of a problem voting for him (although the stories about his campaign donor shenanigans are troublesome). I still think he's a great alternative to Bush--and I hope they try to come after him with the "Massachusetts liberal" tag--that'll give the voters a choice: do you want a "Massachusetts liberal" for President, or a "draft-dodging Texas phony?" I know who I'll choose.

Speaking of going after Kerry, I read an article in the paper the other day where some Republican operative was discussing possible GOP campaign strategies to use against a Kerry candidacy, and he actually suggested that they could resuscitate the "Willie Horton" strategy in the race (Kerry was Michael Dukakis's lieutenant governor in MA). Wasn't this strategy already condemned for the shameful and blatantly racist act it was the first time? Think about it: the Willie Horton strategy was basically the Republicans telling the voting public "if you vote for the Democrat, they'll release scary black men out into society who will murder you." Are the Republicans really going to stoop that low again? Well, I wouldn't put it past 'em...they are the party of "John McCain's illegitimate black baby." And that's why Kerry or almost any alternative to Bush will get my vote, except for...

Lieberman:
Thank God he called it quits. Not only is he so conservative he might as well be a Republican, he ran a totally clueless campaign that was just taking attention away from more worthy candidates. I'm not sure what exactly made him think that he'd have a chance in this race; I guess he thought he'd be able to cruise on name recognition as Gore's former running mate.
Several things, however, screwed that up quickly. First of all, for better or for worse, whether you consider it fair or unfair, Lieberman is not our current Vice President, so if he has name recognition left over from 2000, it's as one of the losing candidates. Gore further emphasized this when he announced he was not running this year because 2004 should be about the future of the country, not a re-hash of the past--the statement made Lieberman look like a symbol of that past. Lieberman then went on to shoot himself in the foot by publicly disavowing the campaign strategy he and Gore used in 2000. Hey, memo to Joe: that strategy won you the popular vote last time! Maybe it wasn't such a completely lousy strategy!

Lieberman then went on to basically do nothing except gripe about how Howard Dean would single-handedly cause Armaggedon if he won, without offering any new or inspiring ideas of his own. Surprisingly, this cracker-jack strategy gave him exactly zero victories in the primaries thus far, which busted his campaign. Before this week, he was talking about what he cheekily referred to as "Joementum," and was banking on a win this past Tues. in Delaware to revive his campaign (Delaware?!? What the...?). It now turns out that the campaign did not have "Joementum," but rather, a little something called "Joe loses every primary and quits."

Edwards:
Well, he used to be a personal injury lawyer, and his folksy Southern accent makes him sound kinda like Dr. Phil, so he has those "creepy factors" to overcome. But boy, is he handsome! But I digress: I have trouble taking Edwards seriously; his campaign seems like it knows he won't get the nomination. It's almost like the campaign was a deliberate attempt to raise his national profile in preparation for him being named Kerry's or whoever's running mate, for a future Presidential bid, or for a future Senate run.

But whatever, if he would be the nominee, I'd vote for him. Again, anyone other than Bush. I'm worried about his history as a personal injury lawyer, though, should he be the running mate. What with tort reform being one of Bush's pet issues, people like Edwards are the enemy, and they (Bush/Cheney) would surely slam him (Edwards) for this.

Then again, all Edwards would have to say is: are monetary awards given in court cases, such as personal injury cases, excessive? Sure they are, in some cases. But let's get serious and talk about some monetary amounts that are really out of control...Mr. Bush and Mr. Cheney, would either of you mind explaining what's going on with the national deficit and/or your tax cuts?

Clark:
I admire his military record (and the fact that he has one, unlike some other people I could name...), but I'm just not sure about this guy. First of all, his only career other than the military was as a lobbyist, a job arguably more creepy than personal injury lawyer. Also, his "hey--I'm new at this--give me a break!" routine gets old fast.

However, he is a good speaker; I saw him give a speech on C-SPAN a month or two ago (yes, I'm that much of a nerd) and it was excellent--the best political speech I've heard in a long time. But in the end, all that proves is that he has a good speechwriter. In many other ways, he just seems like he's not ready for the top job--he's too self-conscious and stiff and not sure what to say or what he thinks sometimes (at least it seems that way).

I am not going to criticize Clark, though, for what many others have criticized him for--the fact that he just recently became a Democrat and has voted and supported Republicans in the past, because, on this count, he and I are in the same boat. (Quick back story: I just changed my party affiliation, from Republican to Democrat, this past summer when I renewed my driver's license. Long story short, when I first registered at age 18, my world view and political thinking were significantly different from what they are now. I grew up in a fairly conservative home and church that influenced much of my thinking growing up. I first became disenchanted with the Republican Party in college, but did not become a Democrat because I didn't like Clinton either. I also decided to not become an Independent because I live in a state that holds "closed" primaries, effectively barring Independents from voting in primary elections. So I was lazy, and didn't do anything--just stayed registered a Republican--an embarrassed one. Anyhow, over the years I never bothered to change my affiliation, mostly through laziness but also because of other circumstances, but "Dubya" was the last straw. Of course, I stayed lazy, and that's why I still didn't switch parties until this past summer, when it was super easy to do--even for someone super lazy). So anyway, all that is to say that I don't and won't criticize someone for changing their mind or their views or their party affiliation, since I've been there.

Dean:
This guy has really been "Gore'd" in the primary season. I'm not sure what to think of him, and I don't agree with him on several issues, but he's really taken a beating for things that just are (or should be) no big deal. I mean, I'll admit his post-Iowa speech was hilarious (and unintentionally so, which makes it just that much more hilarious), but people, let it go. He got a little crazy--so what. He was giving a rousing (albeit hilarious) speech to his supporters. Isn't that something that politicians used to do all the time? Why are people so easily offended by this? It was funny, not offensive. The commentary I read about was as if he had punched a baby or something. "Dean will never be able to show his face in public again after shocking the world by getting excited the other night." Crimony, let it go! This shouldn't be his "Dukakis in the tank" moment, although it already is.

And people keep talking about how "angry" he is. Well, I don't know about you, but don't phonies make you angry? George Bush is one of the biggest phonies ever--I honestly think that he thinks what he says is true just because he says it is. Doesn't that aggravate anyone? It aggravates me, and I was glad to see at least one candidate that shared those feelings--it was a welcome alternative to the "we'll vote for whatever you want, Mr. President, just so everyone likes us" candidates. Howard Dean gets the John McCain award this year for being the one candidate who actually says what he thinks...

...which means, of course, he's bound to lose.

He does have the endorsement of Rob Reiner, though. Never count out a candidate who's secured the "Meat Head" vote.

Sharpton:
Please...I can't take any candidate seriously who gets a lower percentage of the vote than...

Kucinich:
I LOVE this guy! He's the Democratic Gary Bauer: the little guy who is apparently oblivious to the fact that he will never, ever get the nomination.

And if he sticks around much longer, he could become the Democratic Alan Keyes: the candidate who is really oblivious to the fact that...well, you get the picture. Kucinich also looks like TV's Bob Denver, which is kinda cool.

But anyhow, enough nonsense...it's late, gotta go. So, uh...

Rock the Vote!

...or something.

Regards,

Helmet Head

2004-02-02T12:35:00.000-05:00

Today's euphemism is...

Wardrobe Malfunction

Today's euphemism was brought to you by Justin Timberlake.

To learn more about today's euphemism, click here.

2004-01-29T19:48:00.000-05:00

Not-so-New Year's Odds & Ends

Hey--'sup? Well, it being the last week of the first month of the year, I thought I'd get around to putting up a li'l posty-post. Just a few things I've been wanting to mention, and then I'll get to the lame "stuff I wanna do this year" jokey portion of the post. OK, so...
First up: I watched part of the Golden Globes this past Sunday, and whoever the moron was at NBC that decided to air that horrendous re-recording of OutKast's "Hey Ya!" with "celebrity" lyrics during the intro to the show better be fired by now, if not deported. That was truly a "cringeworthy" moment. And speaking of the Golden Globes, on a completely unrelated note, I'd like to take this opportunity to make my crush on Scarlett Johansson public. That is all.

Next up: Skinny D recently referenced a post I made a post or two ago about my regrettable choice of eyewear and claimed that he had a photo of me circa 1995 with said spectacles. Actually, I've only owned the glasses referred to in my post since 1999. However, seeing as I've owned no shortage of dorky corrective eyewear in my nearsighted life, I'm sure the frames captured for posterity in that '95 photo are just as bad, if not worse. If I remember correctly, at that time I owned a pair of gold wire-rimmed specs with circular-type lenses. I think I wanted to look like John Lennon, yet sadly, my look in those frames was more "instant dweeb" than "Instant Karma." But anyway, no big deal--just wanted to set the record straight for the zero people out there who care.
Finally, I wanted to acknowledge the passing of Tug McGraw. For those of you out there who are not Mets, Phillies, or hard-core Tim McGraw fans, you may not know who this is. In addition to being the father of country superstar Tim McGraw (for real), Tug McGraw was a major league relief pitcher--one of the best closers of his day. However, for most Phillies fans, such as Skinny and myself, he's probably best remembered as the guy who secured the final outs against the Kansas City Royals in the Phillies' first (and so far only) World Series victory in 1980. Although I was only six when the Phils won it all and didn't see it when it actually happened, the image of McGraw leaping off the mound after getting the final strikeout of the '80 Series is forever etched in my mind, having seen it replayed ad infinitum on TV as I grew up watching far sorrier versions of Phillies teams play. Anyhow, his passing is sad on two levels: one, because the link to that seemingly distant past when Philly sports teams actually won championships is even more of a memory (particularly sad in these defeated-in-the-NFC-Champioship-Game-three-years-in-a-row times), and two, because he died of brain cancer before his time. R.I.P., Tug.

And now, as promised, I give you...

Goals for 2004

1) Become George Wendt's agent. He could and should be doing so much better than hosting A&E's House of Dreams. I mean, come on--a little respect, people: he's George FREAKIN' WENDT!

2) Get George W. Bush out of the White House or, failing that, at least get him to stop saying "noo-kyuh-lur." You're the President of the United States, and on top of all the other things you've done to embarrass our country, mispronouncing "nuclear" makes America look like a nation of backwards hillbillies! QUIT IT!

3) Somehow work the band Toad the Wet Sprocket into every conversation I have. Just because.

4) Get the following people banished to a remote island:
George W. Bush
Dick Cheney
Karl Rove
Antonin Scalia
Tom DeLay
Bill Frist
Rick Santorum
Bill O'Reilly
Sean Hannity
Rush Limbaugh
Robert Novak
Ann Coulter
Dr. James Dobson
Pat Robertson
Jerry Falwell
Paris Hilton
Madonna
Britney Spears
Jessica Simpson & Nick Lachey
Trista Rehn & Ryan Sutter
Ryan Seacrest
the whole cast of Friends
Donald Trump
Ashton Kutcher
Ozzy, Sharon, Kelly, and Jack Osbourne
Ted Nugent
Nicole Kidman
Carmen Electra & Dave Navarro
Jeff Probst, plus every Survivor cast member
Kevin Costner
Ben Affleck
Jennifer Lopez
Courtney Love
Michael Jackson
Jack White
Clay Aiken
Gene Simmons

5) Get myself named Official Soon-to-be-30 White Guy of the NFL and/or Major League Baseball.

6) Finally, once and for all, no ifs, ands, or buts about it, stop smoking crack.

And there ya have it...well, I better get busy. Catch ya later, Ralph Nader...in a while, Julia Stiles.

Regards,

Helmet Head

2003-12-25T14:38:00.000-05:00

Happy Holidays!

For some holiday cheer, check this out.

Regards,

Helmet Head

2003-12-19T15:04:00.000-05:00

I Am Slightly More Mature Than I Used To Be

Hey all. So, you're sitting there saying to yourself, "What's with the title of this latest post, Helmet Head?"

You're probably also saying, "Why on God's green earth is Paris Hilton so famous? Can't any rational human being see that she's about as smart as a sack of sweaty tube socks, and just about as attractive? Why does ANYONE in their right mind give her the time of day? Why can't we stop caring about her until we read of her inevitable death by overdose?"

Unfortunately, I'll only answer the first question today. Words fail me in regards to the other questions I've posed.

Anyhow, two recent events, although minor in the grand scheme of things, have made me realize that I am, yes, slightly more mature than I used to be:

EXHIBIT A:

So, I'm listening to the radio the other day, and they mention that this year is the twentieth anniversary of the Christmas novelty hit "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer." I had totally forgotten about this song until that moment, and I had a mini revelation about it. You see, when this song first came out, I just thought it was the funniest song ever written. To me, it was just a laugh riot. I even bought the freakin' 45 of it, and made a short-lived ritual out of playing it every year around the holidays, to the consternation of my sisters (sorry)!
However, when I hear the song these days, I don't find it particularly funny at all; it actually kind of gives me a headache.

EXHIBIT B:

I went to the eye doctor today for the first time in a couple of years, and I was kind of excited about it, because that means not only do I get new contacts, but (more importantly) I also would be able to get new glasses! Allow me to explain: the last time I got new glasses, I was contemplating which frames to get, taking into consideration that I wear my contacts more often than glasses, that I wanted a style that wouldn't slide down my nose (a challenge, since let's just say that parts of my face, including my nose, produce the grease of ten men on any given day...I know, you're welcome), blah, blah, blah.
To make a long and heretofore pointless story short, I ended up getting a style of frame known as the "Clubman." For those of you unfamiliar with this style of frame (and if you are, get a life, man), they are basically your quintessential 50s horn-rimmed "nerd" glasses. It was, of course, an ironic purchase...I thought "nerd" glasses would make me look cool and/or be funny, and they did and they were...for a month or two (give or take a couple months). However, the novelty wore off, and I soon realized that I was stuck with a pair of glasses that were just dorky. Even though I wear contacts 90% of the time, so it was no big deal, I realized I was stuck with a pair of glasses that I didn't really want to wear in public for long periods of time. When will Generation X learn about the transient nature of ironic purchases?

So, anyway, there you have it. Two reasons why I am slightly more mature than I used to be.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go watch TV...maybe Saved by the Bell is on...man, that show is so bad it's GREAT!

...or maybe I can catch an episode of 90210...or maybe Full House...tee hee hee...John Stamos looks funny with a mullet...

Regards,

Helmet Head

2003-12-07T17:39:00.000-05:00

Holy Freakin' Crap, part II

I just realized after checking out his sweet, sweet blog (check it out here):

My pal, the proprietor of the Tundra Zone, just had a birthday recently! I forgot this until reading his post because, well, I'm a jerk sometimes.

And I was caught up in "500 Greatest Albums of All Time" Fever (see post below), which is not unlike the fever one gets for the flavor of a Pringles.

Happy belated birthday, Tundra Boy! I wish for you...

Sunshine, on your shoulders...because it'll make you happy

Sunshine, in your eyes...but I hope it doesn't make you cry

Sunshine, on the water...because it looks so lovely

Sunshine...because it always gets one high

Thank God you're a country boy! So...that you'll have a rocky mountain high...or...

OK, I just wanted to cram John Denver lyrics (such as "you fill up my senses, like a night in the forest," for example) into your birthday message because I know you love him and his music so much.

I know--best birthday EVER, huh?!

Regards,

Helmet Head

2003-12-07T17:21:00.000-05:00

Spoiler Alert

Holy freakin' crap, people! Here I am, living a life full of non-Information Superhighway pursuits, and I totally left the ol' blog to gather dust in the corner!

Well, NO MORE! I'm here to give the HHJ a thorough Swiffering!

And what better way to start than with a post that is admittedly brief, but which contains a juicy spoiler! (Hence, the title of this post). And no, "juicy spoiler" is not McDonald's new breakfast sandwich. It's hot inside info., Holmes! (That's right--I wrote "Holmes," not "homes." I'm old old-school).

Anyway, Rolling Stone magazine just published its "500 Greatest Albums of All Time" Issue. The list is varied and sure to create controversy (for example, not enough Glenn Medeiros for my liking), but surely there can be little to no dissent over their choice for #1, which is... (CAUTION: Here comes the spoiler! Don't read any further if you don't want to know the #1 album of all time!)

Nelson's After the Rain, of course.

Rolling Stone, genius choice. The snubbing of Glenn Medeiros (as well as Richard Marx and Glass Tiger) is forgiven.

Regards,

Helmet Head

2003-08-22T21:48:00.000-04:00

Everybody, now! (yeah, eah)
Rock your body, now! (yeah, eah)
Blogging's back, ALL RIGHT!

Hey, all. I'm back from vacation, and all's well. My little jaunt was fun, fair, and balanced.

Speaking of "fair and balanced," I caught up with last Friday's Fair and Balanced Day mischief, which was great. I hope you noticed my pre-emptive post of Wednesday last (which was somewhat lame--distracted by the impending vacation, I guess) as well as the posts of some or all of the other participants (which were not lame). But anyway, I must give an "Internet shout-out" to the man behind Fair and Balanced Day, Neal Pollack, America's Greatest Living Writer. I was honored that he included a link to this here site in one of his posts of last week; the extra traffic brought here through the link may even have pushed my readership into the teens! But anyway, Neal Pollack's blog rocks, and if you're crazy enough that you have not checked it out yet, alleviate your craziness here. You'll be glad you did. So again, a heartfelt thanks to Neal Pollack, America's Greatest Living Writer.

Come to think of it, it seems appropriate that America's Greatest Living Writer should include a link in his blog to this blog. Allow me to explain: although I use the name "Helmet Head," I also am rather well-known as America's Greatest Living Reader. Now, you may say to yourself, "How can you verify that claim, Helmet Head?" Easy: all you need to do is come to my house some time, and I'll show you my vast collection of completed Book-It buttons.

Then you'll know, and you'll say, "Gee, sorry I ever doubted your claim that you're America's Greatest Living Reader," and I'll say, "No problem, you're still my friend. Why don't we retire to the kitchenette and talk over some smooth Pepsi Vanillas?"

And then you'll say, "OK," but you'll really be thinking to yourself: Pepsi Vanilla? Is that the best drink this guy can offer me? What a cheapskate!

And then I'll think to myself I'm glad this guy or girl is going for the Pepsi Vanilla--I hate wasting the good stuff on the riff-raff.

The only problem is, I'll say that last sentence out loud instead of thinking it, and you'll be offended and leave.

So you can see how a visit to my place would end badly, so I guess you'll just have to trust me:

I am America's Greatest Living Reader, and I have the completed Book-It buttons to prove it.

Now that that's settled, I'll give you a few snippets, or "moments in time," from my vacation:

1) There was a little kid on the beach (probably about six years old), who stood at the edge of the ocean, repeatedly throwing his mini Nerf football into the waves and waiting patiently for it to be washed back ashore to him. He acted like this was the greatest thing ever, and when his friends, siblings, etc., mistakenly tried to get the football and throw it back to him, he'd say, "No! No! It'll come back! Watch!" That kid was awesome.

2) There was another awesome kid on the beach, sitting with his parents right in front of us. He was about eight years old, and he was trying extremely hard to convince his parents that the one beach umbrella they had set up provided inadequate shade, and that all would benefit from the purchase or rental of a second umbrella. The great thing about this kid was that he was not whiny or obnoxious; his arguments were very calm and precise--I was impressed how even-tempered he was. I half expected him to, at some point, whip out a stack of index cards containing his jotted-down arguments.

3) I saw a bunch of people who looked like this.

4) We stayed, for part of the trip, at a campsite called "Frontier Town," which was hilariously cheesy, but also a really nice campsite. It was the only campsite I've ever been to that had clean bathrooms. Impressive.

5) I got the new Jack Johnson album On and On, which rocks. Actually, it doesn't rock--it's very mellow and beachy--I just meant it's really good. But you knew that.

6) I only got to experience the blackout vicariously, as the place where we were was out of the affected area (our home was out of the affected area, too, so I wouldn't've experienced it anyway). Here's what I learned:

Major blackout + Slow news days = Extremely asinine reporting

I know--the argument can definitely be made that TV news reporting is always asinine, but seriously, by day two, there were literally reporters saying things like: "Well, during the blackout, a lot of people lost power. This means that people didn't have lights, or things that use electricity. However, people were able to use things with batteries, because that uses, um, different electricity...uh...I'm confused now...back to you in the studio."

Memo to news organizations: Asking one or two people how they coped without power is fine. Asking fifteen is redundant. And reminding us for the 506th time that the blackout was not caused by terrorists is simply annoying.

7) People at the beach must really like t-shirts, because every other store sold them. Maybe it's a law: all places of business must also sell t-shirts. That would explain the curious stores that advertised things like "Dental work--also, souvenir t-shirts."

And apparently, when this law was passed, someone tacked a rider onto the bill that stated, "And all t-shirts sold must be crappy, like, for example, those "Big Johnson" t-shirts that stopped being popular, like, ten years ago, at least."

8) There was a bar in the area that advertised upcoming concerts by Cyndi Lauper, Default, the Psychedelic Furs, and Better Than Ezra, among others. To celebrate this fact, I will now take a cheap shot at each artist:

Cyndi Lauper: On tour supporting her new album Girls Just Want to Have Fun...and Eat.

Default: Winners of the Cinderella Award for Best Crappy Band Discovered and Mentored by Another Crappy Band. (Cinderella was the crappy band discovered by the crappy band Bon Jovi; Default were discovered by crappy band Nickelback--but you knew that)

Psychedelic Furs: Psychedelic Furs? What's the deal with that name? Who are these people? And who are they touring with--the Hallucinogenic Diamond Necklaces? (Note: this last response written by Jerry Seinfeld)

Better Than Ezra: Latest stop in what has been the year's highest-grossing tour in the Alternate Universe of Perpetual 1995.

HAHA! Take those kicks, bands and performers who are already down! How dare you be really successful once and now less so!

OK, anyway, one last thing before I depart to have a life and stuff. I've been meaning to put in some responses to the game suggested by Skinny D involving proposed governor candidates in each of the fifty states (Skinny also listed Canada, being the hockey fan he is and stuff, but me not being the biggest hockey fan, I'll not go there, except to say: how about Rick Moranis? Surely he's not busy!). Anyhow, if you go to the link above, you'll see Skinny's suggestions (scroll down after linking there). And, since he invited me to join in the festivities, I have some suggestions of my own:

AL – Skynyrd, man! (“Sweet Home Alabama!”) Any surviving members, or the ghosts of those departed
AK – The Native American character from Northern Exposure. He was the best one on that show.
AZ – Curt Schilling
AR – Paula Jones (I’m assuming she needs the money)
DE – Wayne and/or Garth (“Here we are, in…Delaware…”)
FL – RENO!
GA – Ray Charles
HI – The ghost of Jack Lord
ID – Doug Martsch
IL – DITKA!
IN – Larry Bird
IA – Any member of Slipknot
KS – DOOOOOLE! (Actually, I’d much prefer Robert Smigel playing Dole)
KY – Billy Ray Cyrus
LA – Marty Graw (get it?)
MI – Eminem, Jack White, Meg White
MO – Mark McGwire
MT – the Unabomber
NE – Johnny Carson (Background: in fifth grade, we all had to do state reports, and I was assigned Nebraska. One of the only things I remember about Nebraska is that Johnny Carson was born there.)
NV – David Cassidy (he lives in Vegas these days)
NJ – Joe Piscopo
NM – The ghost of Georgia O’Keefe
NY – Hillary Clinton (she’s a native New Yorker, right? Oh…wait…OK, then, Woody Allen…surely he doesn’t have any past indiscretions that would come back to haunt…oh…right…hmmm...)
NC – Ben Folds
OH – Johnny Fever (TV’s WKRP in Cincinnati—heck, any member of that cast would rock)
OK - Sam, the annoying rehdeaded kid from Diff'rent Strokes (This was Skinny’s suggestion—I’m leaving it here to emphasize that he knew where that kid was from, which I think is pretty awesome—how and why do you know this stuff, D?)
PA – the Phillie Phanatic
TN – the winner of Nashville Star (whoever that was)
TX – Molly Ivins
VT – Jim Jeffords
WA – Mark Arm
WV – (Insert your own West Virginia joke here)
WI – FONZIE!, Laverne and/or Shirley, Lenny and/or Squiggy
PR – Ricky Martin

And there ya have it. Hilarity--what would life be without it? Less hilarious, that's for sure.

Anyhow, gotta run. Take care, everyone, and remember that today is a gift--that's why it's called the "present!"

I read that on a poster featuring lovable comics page icon Ziggy and thought you'd appreciate it.

Regards,

Helmet Head

2003-08-13T15:24:00.000-04:00

Fair and balanced
Fair and balanced
Fair and balanced
FAIR AND BALANCED!!!

Hey all...you may be scratching your head quizzically after reading the title of this post, asking yourself "Gee willikers, what has gotten into Helmet Head?" Or, you may be scratching your mosquito bite while wondering the same thing. Well, quit it--you already made it scab over from all that scratching. If you keep it up, it'll just get worse.

Anyhow, the title refers to the current lawsuit being filed against Al Franken by the Fox News Channel. There's a lot that's already been said and written about the story, so I won't take time to tell the story here--if you need the set-up, simply click here (see what I do for you people? I do and I do and I do--all for the fans!)

Anyhow, Neal Pollack, America's Greatest Living Writer, has declared this Friday "Fair and Balanced" Day in recognition of the lawsuit.

I know--it's Wednesday. I'm issuing a "fair and balanced" pre-emptive post because I will be far, far away on Friday. Ideally, I'll be on a fair and balanced beach, swimming fairly and with great balance in the ocean, getting a fair and balanced tan or an unfair and unbalanced burn, or playing a fair and balanced game of either paddle ball or bocce. Regardless, I'll not be around to post on Friday, but I still wanted to participate in the fun, especially since I think Al Franken is great and funny, and Fox News is decidedly not great and unfunny (except for the unintentional laughs, of which there are many--how could there not be on the network that employs Geraldo? And I may have to re-assess my deeming of FNC as "not great" since their fair and balanced idiocy has, as of this writing, pushed Franken's book to number four on Amazon. That's, like, an "Oprah-sized" bounce! And no, that was not a joke about Oprah's weight, but a reference to her ability to generate sales for her Book Club selections. Shame on you for thinking otherwise. Anyway, way to go, Fox!)

OK, so I don't have really anything, fair and balanced or otherwise, to say about the situation--read the article in the above link, and you have pretty much all you need to know, including ample evidence that supports my theses that:

1) Al Franken is great.
2) Fox News is not.

I just have one lame, fair and balanced joke to add in reference to the article:

Fox News released a statement concerning the lawsuit, and specifically about Franken himself, saying that Franken "is not a well-respected voice in American politics; rather, he appears to be shrill and unstable. His views lack any serious depth or insight.''

The spokesman for FNC then said, "No wait--that's wrong. Those quotes were about Bill O'Reilly. Our bad."

Buh-dah-BUM! Cymbal crash!

Ah yes, what fun. And now, all I have to say is:

Fair and balanced, fair and balanced, fair and balanced, fair and balanced, fair and balanced, fair and balanced, fair and balanced, fair and balanced, fair and balanced, fair and balanced, fair and balanced, fair and balanced, fair and balanced, fair and balanced, fair and balanced, fair and balanced, fair and balanced, fair and balanced, fair and balanced, fair and balanced, fair and balanced, fair and balanced, fair and balanced, fair and balanced, fair and balanced, fair and balanced, fair and balanced, fair and balanced, fair and balanced, fair and balanced, fair and balanced, fair and balanced, fair and balanced, fair and balanced, copy and paste, I mean, fair and balanced.

OK, that's all for now. Hope you have as much hot fun in the summertime these next few days as I will!

Regards,

Helmet Head

2003-08-01T16:06:00.000-04:00

The time has come
To say fair's fair
To write a blog
To write our share

The time has come
A fact's a fact
It be-blogs to them
Let's blog it back...

How can we dance when our Earth is turning?
How can we blog when our blogs are burning?

All right! So--did I get the horn part from that song stuck in your head (ba-ba-BAH!)? I hope so--then, at least we'll all be in the same boat.

'sup? Not much here. Sorry it's been a bit since I've blogged; my blog has not been burning. I've actually just been busy. Going to school full-time and being president of the local chapter of the International Marilyn McCoo Fan Club takes up a lot of time and energy. Promoting Marilyn McCoo is a joy, although extremely and surprisingly high-maintenance.

But, anyhow, first things first: I wish to say a heart-felt "aw, shucks...thanks, man" to my pal Skinny D, who recently gave me a very kind "shout out" from his strategic blog perch, Blog Du Jour. He has also linked to me several times in the past, which is nice of him, so I try to return the favor when I can, as you can see from the pretty highlighted words above. So why don't let's click on that link and read what the D has to say? His blog, similar to how King Missile described Jesus, is "way cool." The most recent posting on there (as of this writing) is also rife with some hilariously snarky one-liners about the long-awaited DVD of The State and the greatest movie of all time (no, not the pre-cop biting Christian Slater vehicle Kuffs-- Footloose!), some great insight on the NFL's fining of Matt Millen, and loads of other blogging goodness. I must also say that I am in awe of Skinny's encyclopedic knowledge of pop music, and for that matter, all of pop culture; he was a big help in developing the A-Z Rockin' Guide of posts past. So pay Skinny a visit, and tell him Helmet Head sent ya!

OK, you won't be able to tell him...no, don't try shouting at the screen, that doesn't work...

OK, now you've done it--here comes the librarian. We are so kicked out of here. Way to go, Sir Shouts-a-Lot.

Whew! Let go with simply a warning! I always knew that, under the gruff exterior, Marla the librarian was a nice lady!

But anyway, enough nonsense. In recent days, I've realized that one thing I don't do enough of on the ol' blog is share inspiring stories. But all that's about to change!

I recently read through Chicken Soup for the Teacher's Soul (I first became enamored with the Chicken Soup for the Soul series after receiving a copy of Chicken Soup for the Teenage Smack Addict's Soul from Aunt Marci at my intervention a few years back. Now, I'd say I'm addicted to them--even more so than Oxy-Contin!), and one chapter in the book really gripped me. It affected me so much that I would feel selfish if I did not share it with you, my valuable readers. So here, without further ado, I give you:

An Excerpt from Chicken Soup for the Teacher’s Soul

Chapter 5: Bobby

I’ll never forget the year I had Bobby in my fourth grade class. Bobby was one of those students that teachers can’t help but love. He was always very well-behaved; he stayed in his seat and didn’t talk out of turn. I took to Bobby right away.

Unfortunately, his classmates did not. There were several reasons for this. Bobby was painfully shy—I don’t think I ever heard him utter a word to anyone. This lack of sociability naturally made Bobby an outcast; his classmates thought he was either weird or stuck up. It didn’t help matters that Bobby was by far the shortest student in the class, and that he had rather large ears. His classmates picked up on these traits and gave him a cruel nickname: "Dumbo Shrimp." I did my best to stop this bullying, but there was only so much I could do. Often, I would overhear Bobby’s classmates taunting him at recess (the playground was right outside my classroom):

“Eww—don’t let Dumbo Shrimp play! He’s the worst!”

“I’m not taking stupid Bobby on my team—he stinks!”

“Look out, it’s Bobby! Don’t get his Bobby germs!”

Hearing these vicious taunts broke my heart, and I’m sure they were devastating to Bobby as well. But he was such a stoic little guy; I never once saw him cry, lose his temper, or say so much as a word back to anyone who teased him. He’d always just scamper away silently and play by himself.

I finally decided that I needed to be more proactive in making Bobby feel accepted at school. One day I asked Bobby to take some paperwork to the office, and while he was gone, I reiterated to the class, in no uncertain terms, that teasing Bobby was unacceptable—period, and that there would be definite consequences for any student who ignored this warning. I also explained to the class that Bobby could not help being short or having big ears, and that, although we all look differently, we are all the same inside. Then, later that day, I took Bobby aside before lunch time and told him that he should expect his classmates to start treating him better, and that if they did not, he should never hesitate to come and tell me about it. I also told him to never feel down about himself, to always know how special he was, and to know that, even if he was rejected by everyone else, I would always be his friend. As usual, he said nothing—he simply twitched his nose a little and then ran away to join his classmates at lunch. I’ll never know for sure, but I’d like to think that the little twitch in Bobby’s nose at that moment was his way of holding back tears—tears of joy at the prospect of being accepted.

It’s not an exaggeration when I say that everything changed that day. The non-stop teasing of Bobby all but ceased to exist. Although I’m sure this change in the students’ attitudes towards Bobby was a half-hearted effort by some (they just wanted to avoid punishment), many other students seemed to have a genuine change of heart towards Bobby. I noticed, and I was never more proud of my students. Bobby noticed, too, and while he still had not worked up the courage to talk, he was doing demonstrably better in class and he just seemed to be in a better mood. He seemed, for the first time, happy to be in school.

Because of this, I became extremely concerned several weeks later when Bobby failed to show up for school three days in a row. Granted, Bobby’s attendance had not been very good at all that year. This was due, I suspected, to a home situation that was nothing short of dismal. When he came to school, Bobby was often dirty and tired, and most of the time, he arrived with no lunch or lunch money in hand. I solved that problem by getting him enrolled for free school lunches, but there was little I could do about the rest. From what I could tell, Bobby’s parents were completely out of the picture, and I had no idea who was raising him or under what conditions they were doing it. Bobby’s family had no phone number listed, and I never got any response when I tried to contact them through other means. I even tried to visit their home once, but was never able to find the address.

In spite of this situation, though, Bobby had never missed three days in a row, so when he failed to arrive at school for the fourth straight day, I panicked. I called the office to see if they had heard from Bobby’s family. I called the school nurse to see if she had any information concerning Bobby’s health. I asked my fellow teachers and my students if they knew anything about the situation. Finally, later that day, I passed one of our custodians in the hall and, just in case, asked him if he knew anything about Bobby’s situation. After describing Bobby to him, he thought for a moment and then said, “Oh yeah…that little guy. Threw him in the dumpster yesterday.”

Threw him in the dumpster? Waves of rage and horror poured over me. As much as I wanted to throttle that cruel janitor, I left him standing there staring blankly while I ran out to the dumpster. If Bobby was in there, I had to get him out, and then I would make sure that janitor was fired.

I sobbed bitterly upon reaching the dumpster and finding nothing. It had just been emptied that morning.

In the weeks that followed, I carefully pieced together the events that led to Bobby’s disappearance, and was shocked to discover that Bobby was a rat. Shocked, but enlightened—in retrospect, it all made sense: His inability to talk. His diminutive stature and large ears. The fact that he had a tail, and was covered with fur; why he was always so dirty and never wore clothes. I also apologized to the custodian for choking him, kicking him in the shins, and getting him fired. The school district hired him back, but decided it was best to put him in a separate building from me, and I haven’t seen him since. Sorry again, Joe—wherever you are.

It is several years later, and still not a day goes by when I don’t think about Bobby. Is he still so shy? Has he made new friends? Was he able to free himself from that glue trap? How did he learn long division, anyway?

Although, technically, I was Bobby’s teacher that year, I like to think that, in the brief time he was with us, he taught me just as much as I taught him. Mainly, that rats are not tiny people.

By Angela Lawson, 4th grade teacher
Hudson Elementary School
Hudson, NV

...wha-? You're done reading? What? No, I'm not crying! There's something in my eye! What?!?

OK, well anyhoo, while I get this thing out of my eye, you all just enjoy yourselves and have a great weekend and what-not. I, myself, will be doing what I always do: watching my taped episodes of Cop Rock while writing cryptic fan letters to Steven Bochco.

Regards,

Helmet Head

2003-07-20T17:25:00.000-04:00

Just a little post right quick...

Hey all. So, anyway, my bud over at the Tundra Zone posted a response to the recent post of mine where I gave Charles Colson what-for over what I considered to be his ill-informed and self-serving criticisms of AmeriCorps. First of all, I'd like to say that if any of you (the four or five or so of you who actually read this) have not yet paid a visit to the Tundra Zone, well, what's wrong with you? All you have to do is click the link, for Pete's sake! Could it be any easier? Sheesh! In all seriousness, though, it's worth your time; his posts always have something interesting to say, from thoughts about the sports broadcasting career of David Justice to the war in Iraq and beyond. And, he's been nice enough to link to this here site more than once, which may have brought the total hits to the HelmetHead Journal up to, like, 8 or something.

Anyhow, in response to the response...I totally agree with your point that people do things for ego--write letters to editors, write blogs, etc. I'd be a big liar if I didn't admit that one of my purposes in creating this blog was because I want people to read what I have to say, and because I think what I have to say is valuable, on some level, and that I like the attention of people reading what I write and responding to it. And I'm sure that was one of the reasons for Chuck writing his letter: to call attention to his organization.

I'm not against self-promotion. What I am against is self-promotion that relies on attacks of other people, organizations, etc., to build oneself or one's organization up, and that's precisely what Chuck did. And, to make matters worse, he did it using incorrect attacks (the whole premise of his argument, that AmeriCorps is an organization that "pays volunteers," is just plain wrong--in fact, what baffles me about his letter is that it's the whole apples and oranges thing--he's putting down an organization that is not even the same thing as what he does, except on a very general level--they both help people), and, worse by my book, condescension.

Condescension is a huge pet peeve of mine; I just can't stand it. And I think that's the main reason why I replied to his letter in the first place--I hated the fact that he was making bogus arguments, but what I really hated was how he was "mildly amused" by what he read. That's just so arrogant. It's beyond "I disagree with you" or "I think you're wrong;" it becomes "I laugh at how stupid you are." That kinda burns me up, and it is, to me, self-serving. It's building one's argument through insults.

Now, you're probably saying to yourself, "Gee, Helmet Head, but you sure were condescending in your response to good ol' Chuck..." Yes. Yes, I was. My justification for that is that I feel that condescension is the only way to respond to someone else's condescension; I try not to ever be condescending to someone unless it's in response to what they've said or done first. It's kind of a "let's see how you like it!" reaction on my part, which I'll admit is pretty immature. But, I said it was my justification--not that it was a good or "grown-up" justification.

But, anyway, so I guess we have to agree to disagree--I still feel his letter was very self-serving, on two levels: one, that his organization is better than AmeriCorps, and two, that he felt this need to say "Hey--I'm friends with the President!" (which may be the reason why he took on AmeriCorps in the first place, even though they represent no threat to his organization. The issue is something he knows about in a tangential way, which gave him a convenient excuse to write a letter sticking up for his pal Dubya). I will say, though, that Chuck has done lots of good things for people (which I grudgingly admitted in the original post, but it was obscured by my berating of him). I just don't understand what gives him the right to judge AmeriCorps workers as being "motivated...by money." Maybe some of them are, but are they all? I doubt it. And I still say that this is a particularly dangerous argument to be made by someone, as Colson surely is, who makes a very comfortable living. In short, he [Colson] shouldn't be sounding off on something that he clearly doesn't understand.

Well, that being said, one more thing to my pal at the Tundra Zone: when you respond to something I write, say, do, etc., don't feel like you have to add the disclaimers "I'm not trying to pick a fight" or "No offense, I just disagree, that's all," etc. That goes without saying. We're friends--I know that disagreeing about something does not mean that there's a lack of respect between us. It just means we disagree, and that's all, and that's totally cool. If I wanted friends that agreed with everything I said or did, I'd join the Raelians and clone myself.

OK, that's enough for me. Take it easy, and...um...uh...

Shoot, I need a witty catch-phrase to end this...um...

And, uh, "Bend it like Beckham?"

Oh man, that's lame...OK, I give up.

Regards,

Helmet Head

2003-07-14T15:27:00.000-04:00

A Change of Pace

Hey all.

Thanks for indulging me in that last post, where I got all up in your face with seriousness and stuff.

I also realize it was quite a lengthy post to boot, so I've decided to "mix it up" (because I hear that's what the kids are into these days) with a short, not quite as serious post.

So, that's all I have. All that's left to say is this...

If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times: Just say no to jasmine tea.

Regards,

Helmet Head

2003-07-12T17:06:00.000-04:00

Colson to Public Servants: Screw You

OK, here's the deal: in the June 30th issue of Newsweek, Jonathan Alter wrote an excellent column about the imminent cuts in funding to AmeriCorps, the government-sponsored national service program. My original plan was to put in a link to the full article, but unfortunately, Newsweek's Web site makes you pay to access archived articles, and that option is right out, seeing as I have no, what do ya call it, oh yeah--"money" to speak of. But, basically, the article takes George W. and Laura Bush to task (and rightfully so) for touting national service, and then going and severely cutting funds in national service programs like AmeriCorps. It really is an excellent article, and I highly recommend reading the whole thing some time--you can always get it for free at your friendly local public library! In the June 30th, 2003 issue--page 29.

So, I get my latest issue of Newsweek this past week, which included this letter to the editor (I've taken the liberty of re-typing the letter in its entirety, since you must even pay to view archived letters to the editor on Newsweek's Web site...cheapskates):

As founder of one of the largest volunteer organizations in America, I find myself mildly amused by Jonathan Alter's article criticizing George W. and Laura Bush because the President is cutting the AmeriCorps budget. Albeit well-intentioned, AmeriCorps created an elaborate government bureaucracy to pay volunteers, some up to $15,000 a year. The real problem is that AmeriCorps discourages true volunteerism--the actions of those who are motivated not by money but by compassion alone. On many occasions I have discussed volunteerism with the President, who, after all, when Texas governor, started the hugely successful faith-based prison we run with no help from paid volunteers. He is, I can testify, a passionate advocate of the real thing.

Charles W. Colson
Chairman, Prison Fellowship
Reston, VA

God, I don't even know where to start with this crap. This letter is arrogant and Vanilla Ice ignorant--ignorant "to the extreme." But here's some thoughts:

1) I will concede the points that getting paid for work done is not true volunteerism, and that doing things solely out of the goodness of one's heart is the highest form of service. The problem is, after going back and re-reading Alter's column, I noticed that he refers to AmeriCorps workers as "volunteers" a grand total of zero times. And, to my knowledge (I could be wrong), AmeriCorps and their workers do not refer to themselves as "volunteers," but public servants. AmeriCorps does not "pay volunteers," as Colson charged--it pays workers for their service (and, I might add, pays them significantly less than most "public servants" Congress, cough cough ). Maybe Colson should've spent less time being "mildly amused" by Alter's column and more time actually reading it.

2) Exactly what planet does Colson live on where those making "up to $15,000 a year" are "motivated...by money"? And, by the way, much of the money given to AmeriCorps workers is in the form of educational grants. For example, Teach For America, an AmeriCorps program that places qualified applicants in struggling urban and rural public schools (exactly the kinds of schools President Bush wants to whip into shape or, failing that, cut their funding with the No Child Left Behind Law), gives participants educational grants to help pay for college courses where they can work towards teaching certification. This would, of course, give these workers the qualifications needed to remain in the schools that desperately need teachers once their (two year) term with Teach For America is up. So, contrary to what Colson suggests, AmeriCorps workers are not just pocketing their fat government paychecks and living the lavish lifestyle of a fifteen-thousandaire.

And speaking of being "motivated...by money," how much do you make, Mr. Colson, selling books and speeches about how you found Jesus in prison? I'm willing to bet it's slightly more than $15,000.

3) According to Colson, "AmeriCorps created an elaborate government bureaucracy," but he then offers absolutely no evidence to support this claim, taking a page from his pal President Bush's playbook: "It's true simply because I say it is." (Oh wait--that's right--AmeriCorps workers make "up to $15,000 a year." How extravagant! What's next--increased health benefits for veterans? Oh, right, those were decreased--thanks, "Dubya!").

Anyway, I could stoop to Colson's level and simply say that AmeriCorps has not created an elaborate goverment bureaucracy and offer no evidence to support the claim, but I won't. Instead, I'll accept his argument as true. So, AmeriCorps has, in fact, created an elaborate government bureaucracy. That still leaves this question: Which "elaborate government bureaucracy" is more wasteful and less meaningful--the one that pays workers poverty wages (or less) to do things like teach reading to students from disadvantaged backgrounds, or the one, like, say, for example, the Department of Homeland Security, which has cost billions upon billions of dollars in order to give us the universally mocked color-coded alert system and the Great Duct Tape Scare of 2003?

Memo to Colson: If you're going to use the "wasteful bureaucracy" argument, remember--everything's relative. And exactly what about educating at-risk children is wasteful?

4) Colson's argument that AmeriCorps "discourages true volunteerism" is simply bogus, not to mention idiotic. So Colson's workers don't get paid--good for him, and them. And there's many millions of others who volunteer all over the country in all variety of other capacities without getting paid, and that's great--it really is. The problem with Colson's argument is that he presents it as "either/or:" either you're a "true volunteer" with a heart of gold who never receives a cent, or you're an AmeriCorps worker, cynically posing as a "volunteer" when all you really care about is the cold hard cash, and screw the people and/or places you're supposed to be helping.

The fact is that AmeriCorps workers, while they do get paid, are often putting their careers (where they could easily make triple the amount they get from AmeriCorps or more) and lives on hold to serve their countries. How is that not admirable? Plus, Shavon Lynch (the AmeriCorps worker profiled in Alter's column) is going to continue serving even if her funding gets cut, and I imagine she's not the only worker who feels that way.

AmeriCorps is a perfect program for those who want to serve but are not named "Diana, Princess of Wales." In other words, those who would give all of their time without pay if they were able, but are already working two or more jobs in addition to the AmeriCorps work, and can't, for economic reasons, work for free. What Colson calls being "motivated...by money" is what I'd call being motivated by not wanting to "starve" and/or "be homeless." It's easy for someone who makes (I would imagine) a very comfortable living giving speeches, for Pete's sake, to criticize those who are scraping by on three jobs when they don't or can't give of their time without pay. Easy, and pretty ignorant.

I would also imagine that AmeriCorps workers, after seeing first-hand how service makes a positive impact, and after receiving educational grants that allow them to go to college and get a degree that would, in turn, afford them the opportunity at a career where they can get by with just one job, freeing up plenty of time for "true volunteerism," would jump at the chance to volunteer for free, once they can afford to do so. Heck, they could even volunteer for Colson's organization, and attain the smug air of moral superiority (which Colson seems to have in spades) that apparently comes from being motivated "by compassion alone."

5) Finally, there's a pathetic, very self-serving tone to Colson's entire letter. "Look at me! I'm the founder of one of the largest volunteer organizations in America! I'm friends with President Bush! Hey! Look at me! Read my letter! I'm IMPORTANT!" Sad, really...but typical of Bush's cronies from the world of evangelical Christianity. I think Colson, Dr. Dobson, Pat Robertson, Jerry Falwell, Gary Bauer, et al., should form a group and fight crime. They could call themselves "The League of Extraordinarily Arrogant White Christian (Non-) Gentlemen." Or not.

I'm going to step down off my soapbox in a minute here, but first, a "Jerry Springer Final Thought:"

Why, Mr. Colson, are you attacking a program that even Sen. Rick "Man on Dog" Santorum supports? Is it because you so desperately want Bush's approval that it doesn't matter how little your defense of him makes sense? That's just depressing.

Or is it something else? If I were a conspiracy theorist, I would almost think that your real bias against AmeriCorps is the fact that public servants that help children read and learn, for example, may help keep these same children out of prison later in life, giving you fewer opportunities to bulk up your self-image and make significant amounts of money selling books and speeches about how you selflessly told these prisoners about Jesus...

...but surely you're not "motivated...by money." Right?

2003-07-09T14:41:00.000-04:00

If a Tree Falls on Michael Savage in the Woods as he's Telling a "Sodomite" to "get AIDS and die," Does Anyone Care?

Hello, and happy Wednesday, blog-o-trons!

Well, I don't know about you, but I'm just peachy today, for two reasons:

1) Michael "Savage" Weiner got himself fired from MSNBC, for (as the above title suggests) telling a caller to his show (People watched that? And called in?) that he [the caller] was a "Sodomite" who should "get AIDS and die." (Click on that link to read the full article, if you want to know just how creepy Savage is, and how much he got what he deserved.)

I'm not sure what's funnier: that Savage got himself fired, or that he did it by muttering an insult that most fourth-graders would find lacking in creativity. But, anyway, I'm through with him; it'll be fun forgetting about him until he makes a cameo appearance twenty years from now on VH1's Hey--Remember the Early 2000s?

And now for something completely different...

2) Apparently, Britney Spears is not, despite her previous claims, a virgin.

Now here are some other shocking revelations:

1) Hitler did not like the Jews.
2) Star Wars: Episode 1 was not a very good movie.
3) Bill Gates is rich.
4) Brad Pitt is a handsome man.

Just thought you'd like to know.

But enough nonsense. The real news of the day is that, if you scroll down, you will see a new and improved, updated version of the A-Z Rockin' Guide from last time! WOO-HOO! Rock and roll!

Many thanks to the Tundra Zone and Skinny D for their contributions. Like Bret Michaels once said, "Just give me something to believe in...," and I believe in these two fine men and their blogs.

That being said, I'll give you a little insight into how this list works, as far as I see it, and why not every suggestion offered by everyone has been put on the list:

1) One of the criteria for the list is: do fans of this band/performer usually rock out to them with the "Devil Horns" and/or headbanging? This ruled out many bands that are good, or ones I personally enjoy, who do "rock," but don't rock rock, know what I mean? Like R.E.M., for example. A great band, with plenty of rockin' songs, but I just don't do (and don't see others doing) the "Devil Horns" or headbanging to 'em. Just doesn't seem right.

2) However, certain names on the list are on there simply because it makes me laugh to picture myself or others "rockin'" to their beats. This explains the presence of Yanni, as well as the Carpenters and Mel Torme (two sublime choices suggested by Skinny D).

3) Groups/performers I despise are generally rejected from the list. This explains the absence of both Oasis (I despise Liam Gallagher) and Hole (Courtney Love is evil). However, I also happen to despise Gene Simmons of Kiss and Fred Durst of Limp Bizkit, and they're on there, so, you know, these rules aren't written in stone.

4) I'm not including Christian rock bands unless they've enjoyed some degree of "mainstream" success, a la Stryper and P.O.D. (both on the list). This, unfortunately, leaves out the Christian metal band X-Sinner, which would add to the sparse "X" entry.

So there ya have it. Just a little bit of my thought process. And keep the suggestions coming! The goal is for this list to be the ultimate resource for anyone who seriously wants to R-O-C-K in the USA! (Or anywhere else, for that matter).

Now go and memorize the list, and keep checking for updates.

If you don't, it will be an insult to the memory of Buddy Ebsen, who, most people don't realize, loved to rock.

Regards,

Helmet Head

2003-07-03T15:35:00.000-04:00

Rockin’ Bands, Performers: an A-Z Guide

(This is the list that supplements the "How to Rock in 5 Easy Steps" Lesson in the post below--you may want to scroll down and read that first.)

This list is not comprehensive; in fact, you may find some glaring omissions. This is simply intended to assist you as you take your first steps on the path towards full-fledged rockin’. Enjoy!

A—AC/DC; Aerosmith; Alice in Chains; Audioslave

B—Babes in Toyland; Bad Company; Bad English; Benatar, Pat; Blackhearts, Joan Jett and the; Black Sabbath; Blue Oyster Cult; Bon Jovi; Boston; BTO (Bachman-Turner-Overdrive)

C—Carpenters, the; Cheap Trick; Cinderella; Clash, the; Coal Chamber

D—Damn Yankees; Days of the New; Def Leppard; Deftones; Dio; Dokken

E—ELO; Enuff Znuff; Europe; Extreme

F—Faith No More; Falco; Faster Pussycat; Firehouse; Foghat; Foo Fighters; Ford, Lita; Foreigner; Four Non-Blondes; Fox, Samantha; Frampton, Peter

G—Gerardo; Godsmack; Grand Funk Railroad; Great White; Guess Who, the; Guns n Roses; Gwar

H—Hagar, Sammy; Heart; Hives, the

I—Icehouse; Idol, Billy; Indigenous; Iron Maiden

J—Jackyl; Johnson, Don; Journey

K—Kingdom Come; Kinks, the; Kiss; Kix; Korn; Kravitz, Lenny; Krokus

L—L7; L.A. Guns; Led Zeppelin; Limp Bizkit; Living Colour; Local H; Loverboy; Lynyrd Skynyrd

M—Manson, Marilyn; MC5; Megadeth; Metallica; Money, Eddie; Monster Ballads (compilation CD of slow songs by rockin’ bands, performers); Motley Crue; Motorhead; Mr. Big; MxPx

N—Neil, Vince; Nelson; Night Ranger; Nirvana; Nugent, Ted

O—Osbourne, Ozzy; O-Town

P—Pantera; Pearl Jam; Pixies, the; P.O.D.; Poison

Q—Q, Stacy; Queen; Queens of the Stone Age; Queensryche; Quiet Riot

R—Rage Against the Machine; Ramones, the; Ratt; R.E.O. Speedwagon; Right Said Fred; Rock, Kid; Roth, David Lee; Runaways, the; Rush

S—SR-71; Saigon Kick; Scorpions, the; Sevendust; Sheriff; Shonen Knife; Skid Row; Slaughter; Slayer; Slipknot; Smashing Pumpkins; Soundgarden; Spinal Tap; Springfield, Rick; Squier, Billy; Staind; Steelheart; Stryper; Styx; Sum 41; Survivor; System of a Down

T—Tenacious D; Tesla; Torme, Mel; Trixter; Twisted Sister

U—Ugly Kid Joe; Urge Overkill

V—Van Halen; Vapors, the; Vixen

W—Warrant; Weezer; White Lion; Whitesnake; White Zombie; Who, the; Winger; Winter, Edgar

X—X, King’s

Y—Yanni; Yardbirds, the; Yes; Young, Neil

Z—Zevon, Warren; Zombie, Rob; ZZ Top

And there ya have it, peeps. Special thanks to my friend Jim who pointed out that I neglected to include Skid Row, Ugly Kid Joe, Gwar, Faster Pussycat, Samantha Fox, and Korn in my original list; they're all on there now.

And, I'm sure there's still plenty I'm forgetting, so let me know when you think of them...the proprietors of Tundra Zone and Blog Du Jour, I'm looking in your direction...I know you know this stuff!

Well, take care and keep on rockin' 'til you can't rock no more!

Regards,

Helmet Head

2003-07-03T15:19:00.000-04:00

For Those About to Blog, We Salute You

Greetings, all. OK, here's the situation...

My parents went away on a week's vacation and/They left the keys to the brand new Porsche/Would they mind? Mmm...well...of course not!

Ah, that was fun. Anyhow, this summer, I'm taking some classes at an undisclosed location. In one of these classes, we were assigned to create and present to the class a five minute lesson on any topic. I chose to teach a valuable life skill, what some would call the most valuable life skill of all: the proper way to rock.

Seriously. I really did.

I swear.

Anyway, below you will find a copy of the text from the handout I gave to my classmates. Enjoy, and rock on!

How to Rock in 5 Easy Steps

Rockin’ (or “rockin’ out,” as some call it) is like the board game Othello: It takes a minute to learn, a lifetime to master. So let’s take a minute to learn, shall we?

1) To properly rock, one first needs a rockin’ music selection. Attached is a handy-dandy guide to rockin’ bands and performers (I will post this handy-dandy guide right after this post--I tried to post them together as one big post earlier, and got the dreaded "BIG POST ERROR," as seen below). However, an experienced rocker can rock to just about any type of music. In fact, sometimes it’s fun to rock to a song by, say, Gloria Estefan and the Miami Sound Machine, just to see what kind of reaction you get from others. It is easiest, though, for beginners to rock to rockin’ music.

2) Now that you have selected your music, it’s time to learn the first rockin’ move: the “Devil Horns.” The steps are as follows:

1) Hold your hands up by either side of your head, fingers and thumbs straight, palms facing outward.
2) Point your middle and ring fingers on each hand down towards your palms.
3) Bend thumbs on each hand over towards middle and ring fingers, placing thumbs on top of the bent middle and ring fingers.
4) You did it! Double “Devil Horns!” (Note: It is acceptable to do the “Devil Horns” with just one hand if the other hand is holding a beverage or otherwise occupied, but the two-handed “Devil Horns” is generally considered more rockin’ than the one-handed version.)
5) Now shake both “Devil Horn-ed” hands back and forth to the beat of your chosen rockin’ music. (Note: You may opt to face your palms inward (towards you) after making the “Devil Horns,” but this is the technique used by MTV’s Carson Daly and, thus, is considered less rockin’.)

3) Now it’s time for the second rockin’ move: headbanging. This one’s easy:

1) Simply shake your head up and down (as if nodding “yes”) to the beat of your chosen rockin’ music.
2) You may either move your head the same way as your arms, or, for more advanced rockers, you can move head and arms in opposite directions (head goes forward when arms go back, etc.). You may also want to move in “double-time” (twice as fast) or “half-time” (half as fast) to the beat of your chosen rockin’ music. Or, for a real challenge, have your hands go double time while your head keeps the “regular” beat. There are infinite variations available to the skilled rocker.

4) Finally, accompany your motions with words. Use the following suggestions, or create your own:

If you are the performer…

“Are you ready to ROCK?!?” (Best said using a high-pitched scream. Repeat if necessary, adding a comment indicating that you feel as though the audience is not, alas, ready to rock, e.g., “I don’t know, that sounded pretty weak…I said, “Are you ready to ROCK?!?””)

“Hello, Cleveland!” (Note: Only works in Cleveland.)

If you are in the audience…

Sing (or shout) along to the song’s lyrics.

“WOO-HOO! ______________ !” (Insert name of band/performer.)

“Rock and ROLL!” (Note: This always works.)

5) And there you have it: the basics of rockin’! You are now “ready to rock.” However, here is a short list of things you may want to do to add to your rockin’ experience:

1) Consider growing a mullet.
2) Add more Spandex to your wardrobe.
3) For those with larger incomes, invest in leather rather than Spandex.
4) Hairspray—plenty of hairspray. There’s no such thing as “too much.”
5) Makeup—the more, the better (see number 4).
6) Accessorize with headbands and/or bandanas.
7) Move to Los Angeles (rockin’ capital of the world).

Again, none of these are required to rock, but may add to your experience. Now go have a blast, and remember what Billy Idol said:

“ROCK AND ROLL FOREVER!!!”

The list of rockin' bands and performers will (I hope!) be published next...stay tuned, rockaholics!

Regards,

Helmet Head

2003-07-03T15:00:00.000-04:00

Hey everyone, do you like that last post? That's what happens when you try to post anything of length on here! Well, enjoy, and have a great Fourth of July, or, as I call it, the day after Big Post Error Day!

Regards,

Helmet Head

2003-06-26T10:05:00.000-04:00

Michael Savage's Name Appropriated to Explain Plato's Theory of Forms

Hey all.

Did you ever, in the middle of the night, wake up from a sound sleep and think, "Oh man--I left the burner on!" I have. Like most things in life, I blame it on my obssessive-compulsive disorder.

So then you run downstairs to check the stove (for the first, or, in my case, 37th time) and discover that all the burners are indeed off. And then, just to be safe, you unplug the stove and push it out into the front yard, so that if it does still catch on fire, it can be put out before the flames reach the house.

Oh wait--sorry. Again, that's just in my case.

So anyway, you discover the burners are off, but then, did you ever think, "Oh man--I don't know enough about Plato's Theory of Forms!" Hey, haven't we all?

Anyhoo, I recently found myself in just this predicament. Luckily, I had a copy of the Oxford Concise Companion to English Literature handy, which included an entry on Plato as well as a, yes, concise explanation of his Theory of Forms.

OK, another confession. I didn't have the book handy. I got it from the local library.

OK--I broke into the library and stole it, since it was 2 am and I couldn't wait any longer.

And, I bid on some stuff on eBay on their computers.

And went on jumptheshark.com and posted a lengthy comment about how The Dukes of Hazzard totally jumped the shark when they replaced Bo and Luke with Coy and Vance. I mean, come on! Coy and Vance?!? Don't get me started!

OK, anyway, Plato's Theory of Forms. Basically, this was the philosophy espoused by Plato that sought to explain how there was (or could be) and eternal order. It goes like this: everything that exists on Earth is simply a "shadow" of the perfect form of that object--the "eternal" form of that thing, whatever it may be, which exists in an eternal realm (such as a "heaven," if you will). So, for example, every chair on Earth is but a shadow of the perfect, "eternal chair" that exists in heaven. We cannot know what the "perfect chair" looks like unless we die and enter this eternal realm--until then, we can only experience the "shadow" of the perfect chair--which is every earthly chair we see and/or use. Such is the nature of all things; we only experience the crude, shadowy form of things in the world of sense--we have yet to experience the "perfect" form of anything, which only exists outside the world of sense.

To further illustrate this theory, we can use the example of appallingly ultra-conservative radio and TV talk show host Michael Savage. Let's compare the "earthly" Michael Savage with his "perfect, eternal" form:

1) Earthly Michael Savage has a goofy, gap-toothed grin, while eternal Michael Savage looks more like the picture on his book Savage Nation--airbrushed so that his goofy, gap-toothed grin is replaced by a row of perfectly straight, no-gaps-between-em, gleaming pearly whites.

2) Earthly Michael Savage uses terms such as "turd world nation" in place of "Third World nation;" eternal Michael Savage understands that such terms are mind-numbingly racist and ludicrously ignorant.

3) Earthly Michael "Savage" replaces his real last name (Weiner) with a cheesy one like "Savage;" eternal Michael "Savage" realizes that such lame pseudonyms make him sound like a third-rate pro wrestler.

4) Earthly Michael Savage is comically unaware that his "so far right, Limbaugh sounds like Chomsky" shtick is pathetic, at best; eternal Michael Savage realizes that his brand of conservative "shock and awe" is brilliant according to the 6 people that tune him in, but maybe not to anyone else.

5) Earthly Michael Savage is frighteningly thin-skinned, suing anyone that dares challenge him or make fun of him, even though he is eminently "make fun of-able;" eternal Michael Savage believes in the right of free speech, and realizes that a thorough mocking is the only proper way to respond to someone who asks for it so bad.

I hope that helps "flesh out" this theory. I'm sure, at this point, you can come up with many more examples of "earthly vs. eternal" Michael Savage on your own. I just wanted to get you "warmed up."

One more thought: An interesting "side note" to Plato's Theory of Forms is the question of which reality is preferable--earthly or eternal? There are some who would argue that living in a world where everything is perfect and ideal would be boring, and that living in a world of "shadowy imperfection" is better because it's far more interesting.

For example, if Michael Savage were not a gap-toothed, racist, ignorant, stupidly pseudonymed, comically out of touch, and unbelievably thin-skinned nitwit, we wouldn't have nearly as much fun making fun of him. As they say, variety (or goofily gap-toothed, racist, ignorant, stupidly pseudonymed, comically out of touch, unbelievably thin-skinned nitwits) is the spice of life.

All right, then--hope you enjoyed this moment of "edutainment." Next time, the lighter side of life: I'll share with you my top ten list of all-time favorite Lockhorns cartoons, and you can see how much your list and mine overlap! Oh, those Lockhorns! "For better or for worse"--emphasis on worse!

Regards,

Helmet Head

2003-06-14T00:16:00.000-04:00

Nauseating New Food Product Alert

Hey all. Or, as the great Heywood Nelson (TV's "Doo-wayne") used to say, "Hey hey hey, what's happenin'?"

You may be wondering about the title I've posted for this entry. Well wonder no more! I'll explain:

So, the other week, I pass by my local McDonald's (or "Mickey D's," as some people like to call it, under the mistaken impression that they're being clever or original. Well, you're not, so stop it.), and I see this sign for "New McGriddles." It says only that "McGriddles" are "breakfast sandwiches"--no other description. The "i" in McGriddles had also been replaced with a spatula. It's a clue, I thought...or, maybe the person who designed the logo accidentally hit the button for "Wingdings" while typing the text and didn't notice the error (HAHA! Oh, how I love Microsoft Word humor!).

Then, a second clue came to me when another sign for McGriddles popped up at the restaurant a week or so after the first one, this time with pictures of the new sandwiches, and they looked, well...the same. The same as their muffin and biscuit sandwiches, but with some different kind of bread product holding them together. But what was it? What was this mystery bread product, and why did it have the Golden Arches embossed in it?

Anyhoo, since then I had been trying to figure out the mystery of the McGriddles (hey Franklin W. Dixon--there's the title of your next Hardy Boys mystery!). Sure, I could've just gone in to the McDonald's and asked them about their McGriddles, but in these USA PATRIOT Act times in which we live, one learns not to ask too many questions. So I decided to figure out the McGriddles on my own.

Then, just this week, the secret of the McGriddles was revealed to me by a mysterious man in blue.

OK, it was just the postman, who gave me my latest Newsweek, which contained an ad for McGriddles. But, I don't really know the postman, so he is kinda mysterious.

Anyhow, I read the ad (hey--it was less aggravating than reading about what our government is doing, and far more interesting than reading about Hillary Clinton's book or the "Hulk" movie--Ang Lee, what are you doin', man?) and there was the description of McGriddles, plain as day:

New McGriddles. Inside: Your choice of savory bacon or sausage, with eggs and cheese. Outside: Two warm, golden griddle cakes with the sweet taste of maple syrup baked right in.

And here I'll pause to allow you to run to the nearest trash receptacle or toilet to vomit.

Back? Feel better? Good.

So, I read this, and I'm thinking, "Ooooh...I don't feel well." But then I think, "Good lord--with a product this nasty, they're gonna need a great marketing campaign to sell it."

So then I think, "Hey! I could help with that! And, I still have a good bit of hours left to complete for my court-ordered community service! This would count, right?"

So I called my lawyer, but she wasn't there, so I'll just assume this'll count. Here now, then, without further ado, are...

Helmet Head's Slogan Proposals for McDonald's "McGriddles"

1) "The sandwich for those weirdos who put syrup on their bacon and sausage. Seriously, that's gross."

2) "Providing 100% of the recommended daily allowance of greasy crap."

3) "If you are what you eat, and you eat McGriddles, then you're the worst person on earth."

4) "Start your day off with a good vomit."

5) "We've helpfully embossed the Golden Arches logo onto the griddle cakes as a reminder of who to sue after you're rushed to the hospital."

6) "It's griddle cakes with maple syrup baked in, and bacon or sausage, eggs and cheese, in a diabetes vs. heart disease RACE TO THE DEATH!"

7) "New McGriddles: from the maker of the Arch Deluxe. ...Yeah, I know what you're thinking: "Didn't you fire that guy's ass?" Well, we did, but he sued us for violating his contract, and won, so we had to hire him back, and allow him to create new products, and...well, here we are. I know, it's weird, but what ya gonna do? Lawyers...sheesh."

8) "Did somebody say 'explosive diarrhea?'"

9) "McGriddles: for those who want pancakes with bacon, sausage, eggs, and cheese for breakfast, but haven't yet mastered the fork and knife."

10) "Saddam Hussein NEVER would've allowed McGriddles to exist under his oppressive regime. Do you like Saddam Hussein? No, you don't. So go buy a McGriddle. Unless you support terrorists. Then, you can go to France with the Dixie Chicks and live without McGriddles, traitor."

11) "Mmm-mmm! Griddle cakes! Put a little 'hillbilly' in YOUR breakfast!"

So there ya have it. Any McDonald's executives out there who would like to use any of these slogans may do so without attribution. It's just my way of "giving back." And fulfilling my obligation to the courts, which I'm not allowed to discuss...

...but I will say this: I thought the restraining order Jennifer Garner took out against me was only valid while she was married, and now that she's gonna be back on the market, I...it was just an innocent misunderstanding, is all I'm saying.

I just wish there was one cop out there who would understand that...

Regards,

Helmet Head

2003-06-08T15:41:00.000-04:00

Back for more blog-a-rama (I understand that's what the kids are calling it now)...

Hey all. What's up? Or, as those cheeky Budweiser pitchmen used to say, "Whassup?"

I know, I know...where the heck have ya been, Helmet Head? Hey man, is that any of your business? No, didn't think so. So there. And, oh, by the way, if you see the headline "Stalker ordered to stop harassing Sandra Bullock" in the paper or online sometime soon, just disregard that, because I can assure you that that has nothing to do with any court order that I may or may not have been given, so let's not worry about that. All right then.

Well, it's been a while, and my only excuse is that I'm a nerd. How much of a nerd, you say? I'll tell you how much: I recently read the first Harry Potter book, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone. This is true, by the way--I really did read it. And, I thoroughly enjoyed it, to be quite frank and earnest, just like the delightful comic strip of the same name. In fact, I enjoyed the book so much that, one night, while I was in the middle of reading it, I went to bed and had a fantastical dream about the adventures of Harry, Ron, and Hermione. They were looking for some lost manuscript or something, and had to go on a long journey to find it, blah, blah, blah. So, anyway, I woke up the next morning, and realized that I had not dreamed about what had happened in the book thus far, but had dreamed my own, made-up story about the little witch and wizards. So, all this is to say that, I'm such a nerd that I actually dream Harry Potter fan fiction. That's right, suckas: bow to the King of the Nerds!

But anyhow, what else is new? Me personally, I'm feeling kinda "even stevens" lately. On the one hand, "bling-bling" was recently added to the Oxford Dictionary. Hey, who says grassroots letter-writing campaigns don't work? Anyway, I deem this development "hilariously awesome."

On the other hand, Funny Cide failed to win the Triple Crown. Curses! Why God why? Why do we live in a world of such cruel injustice?

...wait a minute...I don't care about horse-racing! OK, then, that makes me feel better! Sheesh, what was I thinking? OK then, I guess we're still up one (I have my own scoring system to keep track of good and bad developments in the world, which I'll not get into right now. I will tell you this, though: Things got a lot easier with the score-keeping once I decided to deliberately not include anything anyone in our current Administration says or does. Before then, the score was, like, permanently six or seven figures into the negatives...it was just too depressing).

Anyhow, speaking of our current Administration, I know this is late, but I'd be remiss if I didn't mention the imminent departure of White House Press Secretary Ari Fleischer. Ari Fleischer holds a special place in my heart, for it was his statement about pre-9/11 intelligence information that pushed me from mere despising of the current Bush Administration to sheer loathing of said Administration. After the report came out that Bush and his people had information about possible hijackings before September 11th (and, to be sure, as much as I loathe Bush and his people, I don't think for a second that anyone knew exactly what was going to happen and therefore should've been able to stop it), Fleischer defended the actions or inactions taken by Bush by explaining that (and I don't have the exact quote, but it was something along the lines of) Bush and his people thought that they'd just be "traditional" hijackings.

Oh, OK...well, that makes me feel better...of course...having someone take over a plane, land it somewhere, and shoot a couple people in the head, that's no big deal...sure, a "traditional" hijacking would've been perfectly acceptable!

For me, that statement just sums up what drives me completely friggin' nuts about the current occupants of the White House: instead of being honest about things when questioned (for example, Fleischer easily could've said, "Look, the President did receive information about possible terrorist strikes in the months leading up to 9/11, but what you have to realize is that the President and his top advisors get this kind of information all the time; Clinton got reports like this regularly when he was President--that's just the way it is when you're the President--you're made aware of everything. And, it's easy to say in hindsight that we should've known that these particular reports were really serious, but we just didn't know...we couldn't've known."), they instead play this elaborate game of CYA where they make insane statements like, "We thought they'd be traditional hijackings," and EVERYONE GIVES THEM A PASS ON IT! I mean, it is true that a "traditional" hijacking would've been better than what happened on 9/11, but making a statement that suggests that a "traditional" hijacking is no big deal is just insane, and that's all there is to it.

We're being ruled by people who just may be insane...and not in an ironically, unintentionally funny "Clown Posse" kind of way. The scary kind of insane.

But I digress...soon, a fresh new face will grace White House press conferences and make grossly inaccurate and/or scary statements with a completely straight face, but it won't be the same...sigh...

Ari, we hardly knew ye...

...mainly due to your robotic delivery style and generally humorless demeanor...

...seriously, in recent weeks, I've seen two different pictures of Ari Fleischer in which he was smiling. Both times, I screamed and ran away. It just looked...off, and kinda creepy.

But anyway, that's all for now, blog fans. I hope to be back again soon...but don't hold me to it...but, if I don't show up for a while, it's definitely not because I had to appear in court again on charges of harassing Sandra Bullock, so don't worry about that...

Regards,

Helmet Head

2003-04-26T01:51:00.000-04:00

Santorum Explains Remarks About Gays

Earlier today, U.S. Senator Rick Santorum (R, PA) held a press conference in which he sought to clarify his remarks made in an AP interview comparing consensual gay sex with, among other things, incest and bigamy. Santorum's remarks have drawn the ire of both gay rights activists and prominent Democrats, some of whom have called for the senator to step down from his leadership position in the Republican Caucus.
Santorum started the conference by clarifying his statement that he is not against homosexuality, but against "homosexual acts." "I want to make it absolutely clear, once again, that I in no way condemn homosexuality or people who are homosexual," Santorum stated. "As a matter of fact, I can think of several homosexuals who I admire a lot. For example, that guy on Will & Grace--not Will, but the other gay guy--I love him! He's great! I love how comically faggy he is! And, I'll also tell you this: when I saw the movie Rat Race, I laughed, yes, laughed, at that part when Cuba Gooding, Jr. finds out that that one Lucy impersonator is a man! I mean, come on! That's funny! A bigot wouldn't find that funny, but I did! I would never, under any circumstances, let my kids watch that, but me and my wife had a good chuckle about it. Oh, those homosexuals! They make me laugh!"
When pressed as to how these feelings clarify his acceptance of homosexuals but non-acceptance of homosexual acts, Santorum added, "Well, I'll tell you something else: I like Melissa Etheridge's music. There--I've said it. And she's gay! Did you know that?" Santorum was then prodded one more time to clarify his statements. In response, he said, "Look, here's what it comes down to: I like the gays--the Will & Grace guy, the male Lucy in Rat Race, Melissa Etheridge, and so on. I have nothing against them. I have nothing against them as long as they stay on TV, or in the movies, or in my CD player, where I know they're not having sex, but rather just entertaining us. Because that would be wrong, and it would hurt the family. You know, I really was rooting for Melissa Etheridge back when she had kids with David Crosby: she tried to go straight with him, but it just didn't pan out. She's back to having sex with other women. And, on a related note, I thought Ellen DeGeneres was hilarious in that movie Mr. Wrong! I loved her as a straight woman! I mean, she's still funny and all, but as long as she's gay, I'd only want her coming into my living room via the TV--I'd never allow her actual person, who has sex with women, within miles of my living room. And, I might add, I, along with the rest of America, I'm sure, was shocked and dismayed when I found out that Rosie O'Donnell's unrequited crush on Tom Cruise was all part of an elaborate hoax to hide her insidious lesbian political agenda. I mean, come on! I have kids! So anyway, I think that clarifies that."
Santorum then, at the request of a reporter present at the press conference, clarified his remarks comparing consensual gay sex with incest and bigamy, the remarks that have been the most widely reported from the interview and the most controversial. Santorum stated, "Yes, I'm glad you brought that up, because I think what I shared in that interview has been taken out of context and distorted. Basically, I was discussing a specific Supreme Court case that involves this so-called 'right to privacy' that is actually nowhere to be found in the Constitution. I mean, it's not in there! It's something that has been created, so to speak, over the years by judicial activism, but nowhere is there a 'right to privacy' explicitly mentioned in the Constitution."
"And the reason why it's not in there, I think, is quite clear: our Founding Fathers were brilliant, straight men, who knew that if you're given this so-called 'right to privacy,' in the official government document, where anything goes as long as it's in the bedroom, then, inevitably you're just going to gay things up. I mean, the Founding Fathers were great--real mens' men. I like to think of myself, also, as a man's man. I like football, and heavy metal music. My favorite group is Judas Priest. Their lead singer, Rob Halford, is also a man's man. I like him a lot."
When asked to explain the term "gay things up," Santorum cryptically added, "You know...wink, wink, nudge-nudge," and then made a limp-wristed motion with his right hand.
Talk then turned to Santorum's comment in the original interview, where he stated, apropos of nothing, that homosexuality, despite being an unacceptable behavior, is not as bad as, among other things, "man on dog."
"I definitely want to further explain this statement," Santorum said, "since my use of this phrase generally freaked people out. When I used the term 'man on dog,' I was trying to show that homosexuality is not as bad as 'man on dog'--not even close. But, what I was also trying to show was that consensual gay sex is a 'gateway sex,' like marijuana is a gateway drug. You know, some people go gay, and that's all they're into, it's a recreational thing. But then others start with gay, but soon that's not enough, they need something more intense to get the same high, and next thing you know, it's 'man on dog' time. I was just trying to point out the potential danger there. Because gayness and 'man on dog' destroy the fabric of our society. Especially for straight families. And especially especially for dogs."
Taking the cue about the "fabric of society," Santorum was then pressed to explain his remarks in the original interview about homosexuality's threat to traditional families. At this point, the exchange, which had been lively all along, turned heated, as the Senator became truly defensive for the first time. "I don't think I should have to clarify what was an obvious, common-sense point about the threat the gays pose to our society and our families. People, wake up! Gays can't have babies! If society goes gay on us, the babies will grow up, and there'll be no more babies someday, and then guess what? The population dwindles to the point that we're ripe for an alien invasion! There, I've said it! If you want to someday be enslaved by monsters from another planet, then fine! Go gay! Gay it up big time! Just don't expect me to join your happy gay time party! I ain't no fag!"
Santorum then removed his mic and left without answering any further questions.
Following the press conference, White House Press Secretary Ari Fleischer issued a statement on behalf of President Bush which read: "Senator Rick Santorum is no bigot; on the contrary, he has a record of inclusiveness in his Senate career for which he should be proud. Also, as he himself told you, he ain't no fag. Seriously, he likes chicks. God bless America."

2003-04-01T17:30:00.000-05:00

Bandwagon jumper

And what a bandwagon we have on which to jump! Greetings, friends, and happy Make Fun of the Cheneys Day! I hope you all got what you wanted from the Make Fun of the Cheneys Fairy! I know I did: I got me some blog!

So anyway, in honor of Make Fun of the Cheneys Day, I thought, rather than say, "Hey, Dick and Lynne Cheney are stupid-heads!" or "Hey--Dick and Lynne Cheney kind of smell bad!" I would instead offer up a list for your approval. So now, without further ado, I give you...

Surprise Plot Twists in the Lifetime movie The Dick and Lynne Cheney Story:

Lynne Cheney portrayed by a coked-up Courtney Love

Dick Cheney portrays himself, and does all his own stunts--and heart attacks

The love theme from "The Dick and Lynne Cheney Story?" "Jungle Love," by Morris Day and the Time

The gratuitous full-frontal shots...of Donald Rumsfeld!

Dick Cheney's half-brother, portrayed by Eddie Griffin

Dick Cheney's "undisclosed location?" The Leather Lounge, Greenwich Village, NY

The first draft of Lynne Cheney's children's book was entitled "Ann Coulter is My Lover, and Other Secret Confessions of a Beltway Vixen"

Dick and Lynne Cheney's Secret Service code names are "Senor y Senorita Poopy Pants" (this item submitted by "The Family Circus's" Billy, age 8)

To protect their anonymity, the characters of "Dick and Lynne Cheney" were re-named "Lick and Dynne Cheney"

It's finally revealed how "Lynne Cheney" came to be the Arabic slang term for 'hemorrhoids requiring surgery.'

Well, there ya have it! Set your VCRs for that one, people--it looks like a keeper! Happy Make Fun of the Cheneys Day everyone!

Regards,

Helmet Head

2003-03-28T02:36:00.000-05:00

Freedom fries

Hello friends, and greetings.

OK, so here's the deal: I need to get some stuff off my chest about, you guessed it, "freedom fries" (good lord, even writing that phrase makes me cringe).

I know, I know: "Hey Helmet Head--this isn't exactly breaking news! Where've you been?" Well, the deal is, I've known about this unfortunate phenomenon since it started, but haven't addressed it until now because I deemed it too mind-bogglingly stupid to be worth addressing. You know, it was, like, the stuff of lame Jay Leno monologue jokes ("Have you heard about this freedom fries business? Apparently, "french fries" are now "freedom fries." What's the deal with that? What's next: is French Stewart going to become "Freedom Stewart?"" Jay and Kevin Eubanks crack up; the studio audience remains eerily quiet, except for the patter of isolated pockets of pity applause).

OK, anyway, so I didn't want to address this phenomenon at all, but the more I thought about it, the less I was able to let it go. I blame that on my obssessive/compulsive disorder. That, and the fact that, although seemingly inconsequential, the idea of "freedom fries" is not only lame, wrong, and monumentally stupid, but ignorant as well. This made the whole thing decidedly less inconsequential, so here I am, writing to all y'all about it.

It's a shame, too, because my original plan for this latest post was to write an essay about R.Kelly. Specifically, his latest album, entitled Chocolate Factory. It would've been a great post, also about a somewhat outdated story, and chock full o' hacky, in-poor-taste jokes (for example: Hey, guess what the most popular product at R.Kelly's Chocolate Factory is? Fourteen-year-old bon-bons!) See? I was so looking forward to the mail I would've received from that.

But anyway, on to "freedom fries" (ugh, the cringing doesn't go away the more you type it). The renaming of french fries as a way to repudiate the French is, as mentioned, wrong, stupid, and ignorant. It's actually a double-whammy of wrongness/stupidness/ignorance. Allow me to explain:

1) An effective protest involves more than semantics.

The first problem with "freedom fries" is that, if we really hate the French (as all good Americans should, right?), simply renaming their stuff doesn't quite cut it. A real protest involves getting rid of or doing without the offending person, place, or thing, not changing its name. After the Rosa Parks incident, African-Americans in Birmingham stopped riding the buses. They didn't continue riding the buses while referring to them as "racial equality shuttles."
But anyway, I shouldn't even be comparing the civil rights movement to the idiocy of "freedom fries." I'm offended that I would do that. As soon as I'm done here, I'm writing a hate letter to myself.
Let's compare the baffling yet passionate uprising of the "freedom fries" movement to another baffling yet passionate rising-up that's happened as of late: the protests against the Dixie Chicks. As much as I don't understand the anger directed at the Dixie Chicks (and as much as I don't understand the parallel universe that is country music in general), I gotta give "big ups" to the Dixie Chicks protesters for showing us all how a protest should be done.
They didn't keep their Dixie Chicks CDs and say, "Well, from now on, they're the 'Freedom Chicks.'" No, the Dixie Chicks protesters took their Dixie Chicks CDs and ran over them. With a tractor. Whether you agree with this action or not, you have to admit that that is a protest.
So, if we really hate the French, shouldn't we just throw away the french fries, rather than continue to stuff our faces with them while trying to convince ourselves that they're now magically different and somehow patriotic? Besides, as an added benefit, laying off the french fries would maybe help us Americans be slightly less monstrously obese. Just a thought.

2) "French fries," despite their name, are, for all intents and purposes, an American food.

OK, this is what really bugs me about the "freedom fries" thing: I don't know the history of french fries, and I don't really care. Maybe they did originally come from France, hence the name, or whatever. But, the reality is that these days, french fries are about as French as pizza is Italian, which is not really at all. Both of these foods have been pretty much co-opted by America. Who eats more french fries than anyone else in the world? America. Who, more than any other country, grows the potatoes that become french fries, and processes them for sale to fast-food chains, grocery stores, etc.? Americans.
For example: my wife and I went on a vacation to Paris this past January (back before "hate the French" became law), and, in the months leading up to the trip, in talking about it and planning it, discussing which sites we'd see and which places we'd visit, neither of us, even once, exclaimed, "Well I, for one, am anxious to try those "french fries" for which the French are so famous!"
(And, by the way: when we came back from our trip, the number one question we were asked, even coming in ahead of "Did you see/go up in the Eiffel Tower?" was "Were the French people rude to you?" And the answer was an emphatic NO--in fact, everyone we met, without exception, was exceedingly nice to us, in spite of the fact that we could speak almost no French, and probably sounded mentally challenged when we attempted to use it. Which leads me to believe that the idea of the "snooty French person" may be, just may be, a stereotype. Now, am I an expert on the people of France, having been there a grand total of one week? No. Do snooty French people exist? Undoubtedly: it's my firm belief that jerks are universal. It's just that, the "snooty French" stereotype was completely untrue in my experience, and I suspect that this concept of the French is, more often than not, propagated by those who have never been to France nor met anyone French).
But I digress. The point is that renaming french fries "freedom fries" means nothing, I repeat, nothing to the French. In fact, if we did get serious, as mentioned in number one, and stopped eating french fries altogether in addition to renaming them, guess who it would hurt? The farmers and companies who grow, manufacture, and sell potatoes that become french fries--in America. And I'm thinking the economy is bad enough as is. We probably don't need to ruin another part of it in order to teach the French a lesson.

So, anyway, that's the end of my "sermon," and I apologize to anyone whose intelligence was insulted, for I assume that most of you out there already appreciate the vast stupidity of "freedom fries."

For those who don't, though: for God's sake, you're a member of Congress! Don't you still need to ban human cloning? I mean, go pass some laws or something! They're not going to pass themselves!

(And next time, back to important stuff, like my campaign to destroy all existing copies of the video/DVD of "Maid in Manhattan." Maybe we can (are you reading this, Congresspeople?) slip some language into the "ban human cloning" law that simultaneously bans this movie.)

Regards,

Helmet Head

2003-03-18T13:40:00.000-05:00

Join us

Hola, amigos! What's happening? Other than the world going mad, that is!

Well, things are going good for me, friends, in spite of our country being on the precipice of war, our terror alert stage back at "orange," and our economy in shambles. And the reason is simple:

I joined a cult!

That's right, yours truly, Helmet Head, has joined a cult. Well, actually, I need to clarify: it's only a "cult" in the traditional "give us all your worldly possessions, sever all ties to the life you knew, and submit to our systematic brainwashing" sense of the word, but in fairness to them, to us (we're not comfortable with the word "cult"), it's much more than a cult. It's more like a community, or family. A family that takes communal showers together.

But I digress. You're probably saying to yourself, "Wow, Helmet Head, this sounds great! Where is this place, who are they, and how do I sign up?"

Good questions! So, to answer them, first off, our "society" is known as the Timberlakeians, and, as you can imagine, our common bond is the love, respect, and admiration we have for Justin Timberlake.

And worship. Well, some of us worship him. I haven't...yet. I might, though. They tell me I have two more weeks to decide whether or not I'll submit to the Justin's will for my life, and accept his free love gift of salvation.

Yeah, we call him "the Justin." Kind of like Donald Trump, how they call him "the Donald." You get used to it.

So, anyway, as you can see, I'm new at this, so I'm still learning the ropes. Like I said, I have two weeks to accept the Justin's gift of salvation, and then I have my "decision day." I'm free to choose either way--I just have to live in the "basement" if I decide to reject the Justin's gift.

Actually, it's not really a basement, it's more like a room where they tore out the floorboards and dug a big ditch into the ground below the floor. You live there all the time if you reject the Justin. And the door to the basement seems to stay locked 24/7. Oh well. Maybe no one is even in there. Yeah, those scraping and gasping noises must have just been the air conditioning, like my fellow Timberlakeians have told me. My fellow Timberlakeians also have said, "The basement is too good for those who reject the Justin. They deserve worse...far worse." So, it seems like most people don't reject the Justin. I don't think I will.

But anyway, I got off on a tangent there. Where is our home? Well, unfortunately friends, I can't tell you. You see, it's the Justin's will that our dwelling place remain top secret--the secrecy helps preserve the purity of the Justin's aura that surrounds the home. However, if you are interested, you can contact me, Helmet Head, via e-mail, and I'll be glad to put you on our mailing list, as well as send you some complimentary propaganda posters--they're really well-crafted, and suitable for framing. They're also available as a Microsoft Word .doc attachment that you can mass e-mail to friends, family, the government--whoever you think would appreciate basking in the warm glow of the Justin's angelic face.

Now, I know you, and I know you have two questions on your mind (the answers to which can be found on the "FAQ" section of the Timberlakeians' web site, but because I like you, I'll answer them now):

1. Why is your name spelled "Timberlakeians" and not "Timberlakians?"

This is simple. You see, we were originally called the "Timberlakians," but too many people were pronouncing it "tim-bur-LACK-ee-ins" instead of "tim-bur-LAKE-ee-ins," and this really, REALLY annoyed some of our members. Enough so that they rounded up some of the mispronouncing offenders and made them live in the basement. So then Xanadira (not her real name), one of our brighter members, suggested the spelling change for our name, and our leaders accepted the idea.

Then they threw Xanadira in the basement, too.

Well, she had it coming--as smart as she is, what made her think that she had the authority to change what only the Justin can change?

So anyway, the change went into effect, and we were ordered never to speak of it again, which means I'm really putting myself on the line for you, so don't ever ask me this again.

2. Does Justin, I mean, the Justin, know about this?

Oddly enough, no. You see, while the Justin is the one true divine spirit and the giver of salvation, he is completely unaware of his status or his role as the creator and giver of life. We subscribe to a sort of "clockmaker teen heartthrob" theory.

So there you have it folks. I really encourage you to join us. It's amazing how the worries of this world tend to melt away when you're busy praying for twelve hours a day for the Justin's victory over the forces of Britney. It really gives you a new and, dare I say, healthier perspective on life. I'm looking forward to hearing from you.

Please, though, serious inquiries only. The Justin will not be mocked.

Regards,

Helmet Head

2003-03-03T02:06:00.000-05:00

R.I.P., Fred Rogers

Mr. Rogers was so cool he actually got me to watch Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman.

It was my junior year of college. I don't remember the exact date, but it was a Saturday night--Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman night. Now, mind you, despite the fact that we lived on a campus where there was literally nothing to do, and despite the fact that we were, as Ace Ventura, Pet Detective would say, "Loo-hoo-hoooo-hoooo-ZERS!," (OK, clarification is needed: I was a definite loser--but it would be wrong for me to designate my roommates as such, because they weren't and they aren't--they're all really great guys), watching Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman was decidedly not part of our weekend routine.

This weekend was different, though. We had heard that Mr. Rogers was going to be the special guest star on this week's episode, and that pretty much settled it: we had to watch. We just had to.

And it was so worth it. What made it so great was that, although Mr. Rogers was playing a character, he was basically playing himself. He was a pastor (which he was in real life) coming back to town to visit the town preacher, who I guess was a regular character on Dr. Quinn. So, anyway, the town preacher knew his mentor was coming to town, and spent the whole episode trying to do stuff to impress the guy, which, of course, led to total disaster. If I remember correctly, the town preacher was trying to get a new church built, and it had to be torn down because they ran out of money or some convoluted thing.

But that's not important. What's important is what happened next: so the town preacher was all down on himself, because his church building was a disaster, and he was going to look bad when his mentor came to town. So, the mentor came to town (Mr. Rogers!) and, to the town preacher's surprise, told him how great it was that he knew what was important in the church: the people, not the building. And then, Mr. Rogers, playing his character but speaking in that endearing, comforting, patented Mr. Rogers voice, said to the preacher character: "I'm very proud of you, Timothy." Afterwards, my roommates and I unanimously deemed the episode "awesome."

And we all knew why it was: Mr. Rogers was just the greatest. He was one of those people that, when being described by others, inspire them to use phrases such as "the world is a better place because he lived in it"--you know, the kinds of phrases people usually say half-heartedly and only half-truthfully about others.

But, by all accounts ( I, unfortunately, never met him, but I've been reading the quotes and eulogies of those who knew him well), he was the rare person who merited such praise; what you didn't hear about or read about following his passing were inside accounts that talked of his on-air persona contrasted with a drunken maniac behind the scenes, because no such person existed. Mr. Rogers was who he was through and through, which was, by all accounts, just the nicest, most caring person. That you could say that about a famous TV star, even a children's TV star, is nothing short of amazing. Think about it: how many times are the phrases "TV star" and "decent human being" used in the same sentence, unironically?

And I guess that's why he was such an important person: because he was genuine, genuine about doing good in the world, specifically for children. That's why he survived all those years, and why he was always successful. That's why everyone, like me, came back to having an enormous respect and admiration for him after going through the "Mr. Rogers is totally uncool and I'm going to mock him and pretend I never liked him, even when I was a little kid" phase. Because he was always Mr. Rogers: the guy who you wanted to meet, even though you'd have no idea what to say to him, the guy that explained to you when you were little why you wouldn't go down the drain with the tub water, the guy who understood that kids can be furious and frustrated, and how that feels for a child, and how to help them deal with it, the guy who did puppet voices that all sounded the same, but it didn't matter, because to the kids watching they were all different and alive, the guy who was the coolest because he taught you how crayons were made.

The guy who should be here now to explain to all of us (because, let's face it, his forte was communicating with children, but he helped us all, even when we should've "outgrown" him) that terrorists aren't going to kill us, or our moms and dads, and that we'll all be safe and OK, even during "Orange Alert" times.

And that's the saddest thing of all. We need him, and he's gone. People like Mr. Rogers should never die, for there's far too few of them in this world.

R.I.P., Mr. Rogers.

2003-02-22T02:31:00.000-05:00

Oh Yeah! This Thing!

Well, it's been awhile (to say the least!) But, after a long, looooong hiatus, I'm back. Hello.
So, you may be saying to yourselves, "Gee, Helmet Head: where the heck were you?" Or, you may be saying, "Man, it's about time you posted something new!"

Or, you may be saying, "You know what I like? Donuts. Donuts are yummy. I'm going to go get some now."

And those are all valid statements, and I'll address them. Well, the reason I've been away for so long is, back in October, yours truly, Helmet Head, achieved one of his life-long dreams: I was given a publishing deal to write a self-help book. Of course, I jumped at the chance, and prematurely ditched the ol' blog, thinking that I wouldn't need it once my book hit the big time. I envisioned myself riding to the top of the non-fiction best-seller heap, knocking off Dr. Phil and that Who Stole My Cheese? guy. Yes, I originally thought that, by now, I'd be chatting with Oprah, Katie Couric and Matt Lauer, and my personal hero, Larry King.

But, alas, all was not meant to be. You see, I kind of never finished the book--at least I never did according to the standards of those "a book needs to be more than ten pages long" editor snobs at Random House. My argument that my book, while technically not a "book" due to its abbreviated length, would've made a good workbook, pamphlet, or brochure, was also dismissed out of hand by them. And I don't want to even talk about what they thought of my idea to release it in handy, pocket-sized "tract" form.

So anyway, there I was, with no book deal, and nothing to even show for the experience (they made me give back the hefty advance they paid me--but I got the last laugh! I said, "Fine, you can have your advance back, but you'll have to take it back in Hall and Oates memorabilia, 'cause that's what I spent it on!" HAHA--touche!).

And it was then, when I was at the lowest of lows, that I remembered my blog! "Oh Bloggie!," I gasped, "How could I have treated you so poorly all these months, only thinking of myself! Can you ever forgive me?" And then the cops showed up to escort me out of the public library.

But anyway, I'm back, and ready to rumble! And, I was thinking, what better way to share what would've been my book with the whole world than through this Internet thing about which everyone is so hopped up! So, here now, submitted for your approval, is the exclusive, world premiere excerpt from my book (which I still hope to publish someday, all you publishing house editors out there surfing the 'Net!)--ENJOY!...

All I Needed to Know I Learned from Watching the TV Movie Adaptation of Stephen King's The Stand,
musings on life and wisdom by Helmet Head

All I really needed to know I learned from watching the TV movie adaptation of Stephen King's 'The Stand.'

M-O-O-N spells "peanut butter and jelly."

Actor Jamey Sheridan looks great in a mullet wig--his character on 'Law & Order: Criminal Intent' should wear one.

The apocalypse takes place in Las Vegas? Yeah, that sounds about right.

I liked when Kareem Abdul-Jabbar was out on the street corner, but then he died. Come on! His character was lovable and funny! A sequel to 'The Stand' would've been great with him, and Nick Nolte as his buttoned-down, beleaguered sidekick!

What's Gary Sinise doing in this thing?

So, there you have it, world: the exclusive excerpt from what would've been my debut book.

OK, it actually isn't technically an excerpt, since that's all I wrote. But you get the idea.

Looking forward to hearing from you, publishing houses! (But I will need an advance--there's this rare, out-of-print German version of Private Eyes on vinyl that I have my eye on on eBay).

Until next time, donuts are yummy. I'm going to go get some now.

Regards,
Helmet Head

2002-10-01T12:12:00.000-04:00

Hello, Muggles!

I have some very important consumer information for you today. Just consider me your own personal Ralph Nader! (Albeit less strikingly handsome!)

Anyhow, as the whole world knows, the new Harry Potter book will be out any day now. And, as we also know, with anything as popular as Harry Potter, there are rip-offs a-plenty out there, trying to "cash in" on the success of the real deal. The new book is no exception; there are already a ton of pirated, unlicensed, un-J.K. Rowling written novels making the rounds in the literary world, passing themselves off as the "new" novel.

We here at the HHJ have obtained a short list of some of these offenders, and we now humbly submit them to you: our valued readers and consumers. Remember: none of the books listed are authentic Harry Potter books! If you or your child have purchased one of the following volumes, return it to the place of purchase at once and demand a refund! (Note: this may be hard to do if said purchase was made on a street corner from an individual whose "book store" was actually a refrigerator box).

And now, without further ado, we present:

HELMETHEAD JOURNAL'S BOOTLEG HARRY POTTER BOOK LIST!...

1) Harry Potter and the Author who is Truly Grateful for her Massive Success but Wishes that the Entire Friggin' World Would Stop Breathing Down her Neck About the New Book Already

2) Harry Potter and the Brown Acid

3) Harry Potter Meets the Flintstones

4) Harry Potter and the Fight with Courtney Love over the Legacy of Nirvana

5) Harry Potter and the Women of Enron

6) Harry Potter and the Prisoners of HBO's 'Oz'

7) Harry Potter and His Shirtless Dad in: 'First Base Coach Beatdown!'

8) Harry Potter and the Mystery of Rosie O'Donnell's New Hairdo

9) Harry Potter in: 'Quidditch 'Roid Rage!'

10) Harry Potter and the Pre-Emptive Strike Against the Sorcerer who Probably Will Soon Have Sorcerer's Stones of Mass Destruction (pirated novel recently "leaked" by White House Press Secretary Ari Fleischer)

Well, there ya have it. Hope that helps sort through the real and the fake. Happy (and careful!) reading, Hogwarts honorary degree-holders!

Regards,

Helmet Head

2002-09-24T16:38:00.000-04:00

Hello all.

Another quick note for today, and then it's back to jazzercise!

I'd just like to send out a hearty HelmetHead Journal "congrats" to me, Helmet Head. Why? Because I finally learned how to create bold and italic fonts when posting stuff to the ol' blog.

These features, of course, come in handy when you need to write things that contain emphasis. For example:

That guy just figured out how to put bold and italic font on his weblog postings...and he's had the darned thing for almost a month. What a dweeb!!!

See, you can see how handy they are.

Regards,

Helmet Head

2002-09-24T16:26:00.000-04:00

Guess who's back? Back again...Helmet's back...tell a friend...(sung/rapped to the tune of Eminem's "Without Me," of course. Or not. Totally up to you.)

Anyhow, how's things, my peeps? Are you ready to blog-a-while?

Sorry it's been a bit since I came at ya with the goods (I don't know--would that make a good catch phrase: "comin' at ya with the goods?" Let me know, 'kay?), but have we got something special for you today. We're debuting a new segment that we'll run occasionally called HelmetHead Journal's "Cheap Shot Corner." I think the concept is pretty self-explanatory, so let's get started. By the way, because it's the debut of this segment, we have a bonus DOUBLE "Cheap Shot Corner" for ya! So, without further ado, let's check in to...

HELMETHEAD JOURNAL'S CHEAP SHOT CORNER!!!...

Item one: There was a cover story in the Globe tabloid recently that read: "Kelly--how I rigged American Idol." Accompanying it was a sidebar that said "Justin's tragic secret," referring to the show's runner-up Justin Guarini.

Justin's "tragic secret?" He's not very talented.

HAHA! Take that, Guarini!

Item two: Dennis Rodman is apparently appearing tonight on the Fox "reality" show "Celebrity Daredevils," where he'll drive a car off a cliff or something.

This got me to thinking: Dennis Rodman's still alive?

Note to self: Remember to start not caring about Dennis Rodman again.

HA! Gotcha, "Worm!"

Well, there ya have it, folks: HelmetHead Journal's "Cheap Shot Corner," brought to you by Livermelter Fine Bathtub-brewed Scotch whisky. When you want a cheap shot, check out HelmetHead Journal--or down a Livermelter Fine Bathtub-brewed Scotch whisky! Available at all Sav-Mor Discount Liquor Depots!

Regards,

Helmet Head

2002-09-11T15:23:00.000-04:00

Hello all.

Well, it's been awhile since I rapped at ya (as Jim Anchower of 'The Onion' would say), and I thought I should post SOMETHING today, but now that I'm here...

You know, I have nothing to say. I could rant about the EXTREMELY distasteful way the TV networks have been treating the 9/11 anniversary as a ratings-generating "event," but others have already done that, to better effect than I could.

I could tell you how to spend the day, but that's not my place.

I could rant about the screwed-up crap that's gone on in Washington since last Sept. 11th, but I already have, to some extent, and I will in the future, to be sure. I just don't have the heart to do so today.

All I can promise you is that I'll continue to try to make you laugh, and inform you of what's going on in the world, in my own skewed way. Because, if I can sermonize just a little bit here, I truly think that laughter and humor are EXTREMELY valuable in processing and making sense of senseless stuff, as well as being an effective way of channeling outrage over stupid and injust behavior. And, failing all that, humor is a great escape. I mean, when all else fails, there's always the music of William Shatner, right?

Seriously, you should get your hands on his album ('The Transformed Man') and listen to it. HILARIOUS.

Anyhow, that's all I got. Take care of yourselves.

Regards,

Helmet Head

2002-09-02T00:15:00.000-04:00

Hey all--happy Labor Day! Hope you can celebrate the day by "laboring" over hot dogs and burgers and what-not. Or whatever.

Anyhow, one quick note of apology and correction: it seems that, in my list of names for the war with Iraq, I got the slogan for Vanilla Coke wrong. It is not "satisfy your curiosity," but "REWARD your curiosity." I'm sure many of you were outraged over this error, so I sincerely apologize. It is my intention, when I mock something, to mock it CORRECTLY, and on this count I failed. I hope you will find it in your hearts to forgive me.

Anyhow, as penance for my mistake, and to appease any Coca-Cola representatives who may be tuning in (HA!), I now humbly submit...

HELMET HEAD JOURNAL'S NEW VANILLA COKE SLOGANS!!!...

1) "Reward your curiosity...and punish your taste buds!"
2) "Vanilla Coke: the Refreshing Taste of Suck!"
3) "Remember when you used to go to the corner malt shop as a kid and order a Coke with vanilla syrup in it? Well...this stuff tastes nothing like that. This stuff is crap."
4) "Vanilla Coke: It's Vanillerroneous!"
5) "Vanilla Coke: Unlike Pepsi Blue and Dr. Pepper Red Fusion, we didn't need to change the color to ruin the taste."
6) "Speaking of Pepsi, this stuff is at least better than that Crystal Pepsi, right? That stuff was AWFUL! Remember that? Huh?"
7) "Vanilla Coke: We Now Use 20% Fewer Methamphetamines in Our "Natural Vanilla Flavor!""
8) "Vanilla Coke: If You're Excited About This Stuff, Congratulations: You're Officially a Dweeb!"
9) "Vanilla Coke: Two Million People, Who Would Probably Drink Toilet Water If It Were Carbonated And Sweetened, Can't Be Wrong!"
10) "Vanilla Coke: I've Been to the Darkest, Dankest Corner of Hell, and It Tastes Like Vanilla."

Anyhow, again, just "throwing 'em out there." Feel free to use these, Coke people--just make sure I see a "piece of the action"--AND that I get some royalties--HA!

Regards,

Helmet Head

2002-08-30T16:48:00.000-04:00

Hey there. One other thought for today, and then I'm off to happy weekend fun time.

So, we're apparently inching ever closer to war with Iraq, against the advice of...well, of a lot of people.

But anyway, whether you think this potential war is ill-advised or not, or whatever, one thing remains clear: if there is going to be a war, it needs to have a name! So, here then, submitted for your approval are some...

HELMET HEAD JOURNAL'S "NAMES FOR THE WAR WITH IRAQ!"

1)Operation "Bring Norman Schwarzkopf Out of Retirement for Pointless Guest Appearances on 'Hardball.'"
2)Operation "Fat Royalty Check for Lee Greenwood"
3)Operation "Bomb Thomas Kinkade" (OK, that has nothing to do with Iraq...but you have to admit, it's a pretty good idea)
4)Operation "We Obviously Learned Nothing From Vietnam, Somalia, etc., etc...."
5)Operation "Fuel Our Escalades"
6)Operation "Aren't Those Baseball Players a Bunch of Spoiled Brats? They're Lucky They Didn't Strike, 'Cause I Wouldn't've Come Back if They Had!" (back-up name to use in case the war is an embarrassing failure, and attention needs to be drawn away from it)
7)Operation "Surely If Saddam is Killed, Iraq Will Become a Peace-loving, Representative Democracy"
8)Operation "Let's Remind the Radical Islamists Why They Hate Us"
9)Operation "Scared Into War by a Crazed Dick Cheney"
10)Operation "Curiosity, sponsored by Vanilla Coke!" Curious to know what will happen if we attempt a short-sighted, questionable at best war with Iraq? Satisfy your curiosity by supporting the war, and satisfy your curiosity with new Vanilla Coke!

Anyhow, just some ideas I thought I'd "throw out there." I'm sure the Bush Administration reads this site regularly, but feel free to pass these ideas on to them, just in case they miss them--HA!

Regards,

Helmet Head

2002-08-30T16:10:00.000-04:00

Hello, all.

So, I see there's a movie opening today called "fear dot com."

My question is this: did I fall into a time warp that took me back to 1993, when such an idea would've been at least somewhat original and relevant? (Heck, maybe I did: how else to explain Axl Rose's appearance on the MTV Video Music Awards?).

Who decided that this would attract the young 'uns? Most likely, some lame, middle-aged industry hack with a bad comb-over who just now realized that "this Internet thing is 'happening.'" Hey, lame industry hacks--if you're reading this, I have an idea: you should make a movie about that crazy rock 'n roll music that all the kids listen to these days! I don't know about you, but from what I've heard, the kids think rock music is "cool!"

Then again, this is being written by the guy who just started his "blog" this week, so I don't know if I have room to talk.

Regards,

Helmet Head

2002-08-29T15:16:00.000-04:00

Hey there, blogophiles! One last note for today, and then, back to listening to my Yanni CDs!

There was an article from the Baltimore Sun that appeared in my hometown paper yesterday (and the same story was in salon.com, although I don't know whether or not it was the exact same article) titled "Scientists unlock secret of gecko's grip," which was about, you guessed it, how scientists have probably figured out how geckos can climb walls and ceilings and trees and stuff. Now, you're probably saying, "But Helmet Head, I just thought geckos had sticky stuff on their feet." Yeah, that's what I thought, too. But, it turns out that geckos actually have millions of microscopic hairs that sprout from their feet called "setae" ("see-tee")--like in "Spider-Man," when they show that close-up of Peter Parker's finger, and all the hairs come out of it that allow him to scale walls, I guess. Anyway, these setae on the geckos' feet allow them to cling to surfaces through what's known as the "van der Waals force," which involves not sticky stuff, but something about weak electrical currents or something--anyway, I'm not a physicist. Best to read the whole article to get what they're saying.

So, you're saying, "Who cares, Helmet Head? Unless the van der Waals force in geckos can protect us from terrorist attacks or something, what's the big friggin' deal?" Yeah, that's what I thought, too. But HERE'S the big friggin' deal: the team that discovered what makes the gecko stick is working with a ROBOTICS COMPANY to develop robots...that can CLIMB LIKE GECKOS! Don't you see what's happening? If these mad scientists are able to develop robots that can climb walls, trees, and ceilings, WE'RE ALL DOOMED! DOOMED, I TELL YA, DOOMED!!!

RUN! SAVE YOURSELVES FROM THE GECKO ROBOTS BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE!!!

Regards,

Helmet Head

2002-08-29T15:00:00.000-04:00

OK, back again. By the way, I've been posting things in smaller, bite-size pieces, one after another, because I found out the hard way that if you post things in short bursts, rather than one long, rambling post, it is less likely to generate an error message that flushes your entire post into a great abyss from which it never returns! Ain't computers great?

Anyhoo, another AP article caught my attention today (which also can be found in salon.com) about 'NSync's Lance Bass and his quest to be shot into space. And, let me tell ya, if you think the concept of Lance Bass being shot into space is infinitely funnier than anything that one could write about said concept (as I did), you MUST read this article! I'll give you a little taste of it here, with two quotes, the first of which wins the "No Duh!" Award:

"Bass may not be the most scientifically savvy or most experienced guy to go through space training."

Yeah, tell me about it! I mean, if it were Joey Fatone going through space training, that'd be one thing, but Lance? Anyway, here's the other quote, just to whet your appetite:

"I believe in the power of Lance Bass to communicate."

This quote from a woman who went through Russian cosmonaut training with Lance, and is apparently attempting to be the first star-struck ignoramus in space.

Anyway, I can't emphasize enough that you go and actually read the whole article. These quotes really don't do justice to the sad hilarity of the article as a whole. It reads as though it were lifted from the pages of "Tiger Beat," and it sounds as though the people running NASA, as well as the Russian space program, have lost it entirely.

Regards,

Helmet Head

2002-08-29T14:47:00.000-04:00

Hey all, I'm back. OK, so I see this AP article in today's salon.com titled "MTV Video Music Awards seek balance." (They're on tonight, you know. And, I have to say, I like Jimmy Fallon (who's hosting), but I can't justify watching this show, which is almost always disappointing and annoyingly self-congratulatory on MTV's part, just for that. It would be like saying, "I liked Dan Aykroyd in "Blues Brothers," so I'm going to rent ALL the movies he's been in." Brother, you'd be in for one BIG disappointment--best to just enjoy him in what you know is good. ANYway, if the show is actually good, I'll be able to see it during one of the 50,000 re-broadcasts that MTV will surely run in the next week or so.) So, anyhow, I saw this article and my immediate response was: "Yeah, MTV seeks balance: an equal amount of crappy AND sucky! HA!" But then I realized that was mean...and way, WAY too easy! Besides, the show won't be all bad--Justin Timberlake is performing a song off his new solo album!

...OK, THAT'S going to be really bad. But I'm sure there'll be good stuff too, right? Right?

...ahem...(cough, cough)...(tumbleweed rolls through the scene)...

2002-08-29T14:36:00.000-04:00

Hello all.

Well, what can I tell ya? I saw that Nikki was booted from "American Idol" last night. I didn't watch the show myself, mainly because the times I have actually watched the show, I get this sinking feeling that I just lost hours of my life that I'll never get back. The comedian Greg Proops once used the term "time vampire" to describe this phenomenon, and I think that's an appropriate term for "American Idol"--the show is a time vampire: it sucks your life away, and you never get it back.

Anyhow, good-bye Nikki...I'll never forget the times we...wait a minute--I WILL forget all about her! What was I thinking? Her fifteen minutes are, like, SO up! I won't even remember--who was I talking about? Oh yeah, Nikki McKibbin! I forgot all about her!

By the way, you do realize that if Justin Guarini wins the whole thing, he'll be one step closer to achieving world domination, and accomplishing what his dad, Sideshow Bob, was never able to accomplish. So vote for Kelly! That is all.

Regards,

Helmet Head

2002-08-27T16:04:00.000-04:00

OK, after a short break for some "research," a few quick thoughts before I go to my "real job" (which, unfortunately, I need to have in order to "make money," "clothe myself," and "eat.").

So, I was watching VH1 this past weekend (yeah, I don't know why, either) when I saw the latest Creed video, for the single "One Last Breath." I have to say, it's one of the cheesiest things I've seen in a loooong time. It was, like, the music video equivalent of a block of Velveeta.

Speaking of cheesy, "American Idol" is on tonight! Some thoughts on this show:

Is it just me, or does Justin Guarini look like the illegitimate love child of "Welcome Back Kotter"'s Horshack and "The Simpsons'" Sideshow Bob?

I don't care what anyone says, there's no way that Nikki "the poor man's Pink" McKibbin hasn't made a deal with the devil.

Speaking of deals with the devil, let's talk about Paula Abdul. I read an interview with her in People magazine (yeah, I know--People magazine! People, for Pete's sake! "What's gotten into you, Helmet Head?," you're saying to yourself. It's just research, that's all! I read the confounded article for the same reason I logged onto creed.com to look up the name of their latest god-awful single. The things I do for blogging--I tell ya! And it's only my second day!), and she was saying that it was her job to "keep their [the contestants'] dreams alive," or some such drivel, and that's why she always says something nice about every performance on every show, even the ones that sap our will to live (which, let's be honest, is most of them, isn't it?). But, if she were being honest, she'd just admit that she's being so nice because she has ABSOLUTELY NO CREDIBILITY! I mean, if I were a contestant on "American Idol," and she criticized me, I'd be like, "Oh, OK...so the woman who sang a duet with a CARTOON CAT doesn't like my performance? I think I can live with that!" But, hey, maybe that's just me.

Anyhow, that's all for now; gotta run. Happy birthday, Sharon!

Regards,

Helmet Head

2002-08-27T14:22:00.000-04:00

Hello all.

I must start out today with an apology: it seems that, in my introductory post yesterday, I used the word "sassy" twice...in one post. Which is about two times too many. I don't know--first time "blogging jitters," maybe.

Anyway, I sincerely apologize for the gratuitous use of "sassy." I hereby pledge to write "I will not abuse my "sassy" privileges." 100 times on the blackboard, and will also go home tonight and read my thesaurus from cover to cover. Furthermore, I will not use the word "sassy" more than once per post ever again.

Although, come to think of it, I just used the darn word four times in this latest post. Of course, this post is just referring to the last post, so it shouldn't really count, right? Right!

OK, so...I will not use the word "sassy" more than once in a post, unless I am referring to a previous post that had more than one "sassy," and apologizing for it.

Man, blogging is complicated.

2002-08-26T19:01:00.000-04:00

Hello world, and greetings from Helmet Head, and my trusty journal, which I liken to my own special version of K.I.T.T.! Yes, just think of this site as your own sassy, talking, bullet-proof Trans-Am...and just think of me as your afro-ed, Members Only jacket-wearing David Hasselhoff!

Except, of course, this site is not bullet-proof.

Nor is it a Trans Am. Just text, mainly.

Nor is it voiced by a sassy William Daniels...but we'll work on that one.

Anyhow, seeing as how it's dinner time, I must go! Goodbye all!

Regards,

Helmet Head